November 7, 2012

A How To: Puzzle Out Your Partner’s Politics

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For good reason, people are sometimes quiet about their political views. Those of us who are loud mouths end up offending friends of opposing parties and alienating ourselves in the process. Screaming our views into the ears of whomever is nearby until he or she can think or hear nothing other than our opinions is not polite and bad for the eardrums. I prefer the method of randomly throwing in some off-handed comments as a more subtle ways to make known my political standpoint. To determine the political views of someone who you might not feel comfortable just asking straight away, wait until 2:30 a.m. while they lie in bed next to you. I am confident that you will be able to determine his or her party preference with a good degree of certainty. (Although it does seem curious that you would invite into your bed someone with whom you could not hold a political conversation). This way you can judge him or her based not only on sexual prowess, but also on his or her gay marriage standpoint or wealth distribution view. Or take a stab at his or her position on the abortion debate. Let me give some guidelines on what to look out for based on my current selection of bedroom buddies.Let me begin with neutral territory: the green party supporter. Garth votes Green each year to help fund programs such as saving the old growth forests. Although this is an admirable cause, Garth may be taking it too far: into his personal life and hygiene. Garth refuses to step in when his old growth begins to overwhelm the forest floor. It’s not that I expect clear cut, but I think its time the forest service brought out the shears.With Garth, I have to be overly cautious with my pounding, as it is a huge problem when the condom breaks. But it’s not because Garth is concerned about pregnancy or diseases; these things are only natural, after all. Garth has a rule: one condom a night. Otherwise, he says, it is too much landfill waste created; latex cannot be composted. If the first one breaks, it means raw-dog or nothing, unless lambskin condoms are your thing, in which case, Garth has the Costco size supply. Right after my one-time-only sex session with Garth, I feel that a shower is needed to remove the grime acquired by rubbing naked bodies with a man who detests deodorant. But Garth will be two steps behind because he only showers with friends. Save the Manatees!Now Rob votes Republican but his shlong votes doggy style. That is until I tell him I prefer doing it standing up, in which case, he quickly agrees that he wanted it that way the whole time. He never seems to be quite too sure of what he wants. He then bends me over and introduces me to his cocker spaniel. After I pet the little guy (his name is Pauli), Rob pulls down his pants and shows me his package. Quite a nice one he’s packing too: at least eight inches, perfectly manicured and fair-skinned and, oh, wide enough to fill me right up on the hungriest of days. Then we really get going, and he knows just how to hit my spot: all the way on the right and not at all up front. Sometimes he hits it too hard, but that’s likely the most natural way for him to hit it.Now Democratic Drew; he’s an interesting fellow, and very generous in the sack. Drew often asks what position would feel the best for me and then exactly how fast, hard and deep I want it. He tells me that it’s my body and I should be able to choose what I want inside of it. How considerate.Yes, Drew might just be my kind of fellow (and he’s Jewish, so Mama G. would be quite happy if I told her I wanted Drew to step inside my Chuppah). He is often spicing things up in the bedroom, which gets me quite excited. Let me put this bluntly: Drew loves a tight, sweet and peachy, you called it, blunt. After all, Drew is from Colorado. Drew doobiously fills a doobie and begins to kiss me and touch underneath my shirt, massaging intensely. Then he uses his other hand to massage Wilma, and his feet to touch Georgina (whom you may remember as George from church). Oh yes, Drew and I often host orgies. It is important to Drew that his pleasure giving go to all his friends, even the ones who give him nothing in return. What a mench!I hope this helped. I know it is quite the awkward conversation to have with a lover: “So I know you just fondled my entire body and tasted me all over, but what do you think about the immigration policy in Arizona?” I find it easier to use small sexual cues to hypothesize if your man or your lady lies a bit to the left, to the right or lies up in the trees.

Mona G. is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She may be reached at [email protected]. Erotic Epiphanies appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Original Author: Mona G.