A VILLAINOUS individual shot a man in the buttocks Tuesday morning while HEROIC Cornellians slept soundly in their VILLAINOUSLY overpriced Collegetown apartments. The victim HEROICALLY walked more than a mile in the VILLAINOUS cold to seek treatment at an emergency room from HEROIC tweezer experts. Students who live in the area seemed HEROICALLY concerned about the VILLAINOUS act of violence because it occurred near the HEROIC Collegetown Bagels. The HEROIC police apprehended a VILLAINOUS suspect, putting HEROIC CTB-goers from Bryant Avenue to Stewart Avenue at ease.
In Greek life news, the University has emphasized that its HEROIC amnesty policies do not protect VILLAINOUS Greek organizations from charges of hazing. HEROIC fraternity brothers, in a display of the HEROIC genius that has allowed many HEROIC Greek alumni to succeed in politics, feel that calling an ambulance to help a victim of VILLAINOUS alcohol poisoning should relieve them of all culpability for HEROICALLY forcing the victim to chug the VILLAINOUS vodka in the first place.
Meanwhile, Ithaca’s VILLAINOUS weather continues to express the sort of bipolarity we would expect of Batman VILLAINS. While the occasional appearance of the HEROIC sun has inspired some HEROES to don shorts and t-shirts, other days the VILLAINOUS cold gets closer to introducing us to the VILLAINOUS point where Fahrenheit and Celsius collide.
As cold weather and chaos threaten our HEROIC student organizations and those leg-exposing HEROES of winter, more VILLAINOUS instability revealed itself this week in the form of a VILLAINOUS campus-wide blackout. Luckily, students HEROICALLY persevered, powering up their smartphones and laptops to update their Twitter and Facebook accounts to HEROICALLY express their disdain toward the VILLAINOUS lack of electricity.
With HEROIC efforts from such Ithacans as the HEROIC walking wounded to the blackout social media HEROES, Cornell may very well survive the VILLAINOUS winter after all … At least until we are exposed to the inevitable specter of Cornell’s greatest VILLAIN: prelim season.