Whether you were with your significant other or your body pillow last night, you probably noticed yesterday was Valentine’s Day. Looking to gain some historical perspective on the holiday, The Sun sat down with the spirits of Ezra Cornell and A.D. White to talk about Cornell students’ dating habits.
The Sun: Thanks for coming guys. What’re you up to for Valentine’s Day?
Ezra Cornell: Well we’re expecting to see a lot of lonely virgins crossing the Arts Quad at midnight, so I guess we’ll be getting up to shake hands pretty often.
Sun: Ouch. I’d like to believe that Cornellians’ social skills are at least a little bit better than they’re reputed to be.
A.D. White: You’d think so, what with all the fraternities and sororities currently flooding Plum Tree and Miyake for date nights like they’re storming the beaches of Normandy. But it turns out they’ve actually all been “catfished” like Manti Te’o — their relationships are all online and are with closeted men from California.
Ezra: Whoa there, A.D. I didn’t found the first American university and build McGraw Tower with my bare hands…
Ezra: … Just so you could come up in here and make fun of our students. That’s what Harvard, Yale and Princeton are for!
A.D.: So just because you had a mistress you think you know more about relationships? The problem, I’m telling you, is with the whole dating culture today. There’s no romance, no dinner dates, no box of chocolates — you can’t even call it dating anymore! Everyone’s just incestually hooking up with each other.
Ezra: You’ve got a point there. Just look at those “dancefloor makeouts.” There’s not enough alcohol in the world for me to be okay with having some girl who reeks of Keystone stick her tongue down my throat while Pitbull blasts in the background.
A.D.: Well hold on. Sometimes when it’s 12:45 a.m. at Pixel and you’re nine shots deep, that “five” really starts looking like an “eight”…
Sun: Okay, okay. So what would be your guys’ advice for finding that special someone before next Valentine’s Day?
Ezra: Well in my day, the easiest way to get a girl was to not have polio, syphilis or mumps. We called this “the trifecta.” But other than that, I did so well because I was super wealthy and owned a ton of property. I mean my house even had bedrooms for my wife AND my mistress — it’s true, ask any Llenroc brother. So the bottom line? Get money, get paid.