March 27, 2013

SEX ON THURSDAYS: 6 of One, 9 of Another

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Riddle me this: What looks exactly the same flipped over as it does right side up, has two mouths but breathes no air and leaves 8th grade children chuckling whenever it appears? It’s mutual pleasure without sex. It’s forgetting you hate giving blowjobs because you are immersed in ecstasy. Its called 69, and it’s opening at a theater near you (NC-17 of course).

In my experience, the act of simultaneous oral is quite wonderful and satisfying, however, getting it going is as awkward as introducing your mother to your collection of sex toys. To get my 9 on his 6, I usually go with the technique of “pretend nothing is happening.” I appreciate the element of surprise and so I start by giving the regular, yet exceptional blowy, and while he’s distracted, move my body slowly up the bed while maintaining dick in mouth status. Its like a spinning top but instead of a sharp tip to spin on, it’s a rounded head. So, if you follow, I am now facing his feet with my body beside his while he groans with sweet satisfaction. He is yet to realize though that soon I will be lowering my whole self onto his face. I hope he enjoys that last gasp of air. While he is in this somewhat meditative state, I saddle up and hop on. And once there is a mutual understanding that we have entered a two-way street, comfort and passion are restored and orgasm may commence.

One may also opt for the “one, two, three, lift and flip” strategy. This requires lots of communication and leaves little room for hesitation. With one motion, the guy grabs his girl by the waist and turns her body while she pushes off the bed, legs and arms suspended momentarily; think horizontal ballet. It may take a moment to get a rhythm going, but this move will afford a quick and dirty beginning to a wild night.

Now, it’s hard enough to stay afloat on top of your man when you take into account all that you’re taking into your mouth. Dicks do not, in my experience, suck themselves, and so during 69, one must move one’s body to generously accept and then playfully deny the penis — back and forth motion, while playing balance on my belly. Maybe you should try this sober the first few times, because coordination and balance are handy skills when your attempt at a handy was just not cutting it. Picture this: girl on top, flipped to face his feet. Her toes reaching out above his head ground her to the bed. She is rocking herself, belly touching belly, while his tongue is playing with her plushy pink playground (but this playground ain’t kid-friendly). She must use her Pilates core strength to neutralize the pleasuring movements from under as to stay safely on top. To fall over would be disastrous, penis in mouth, girl rolling to the side. Sounds like the boys reading this now just grabbed their groins in instinctive empathetic pain.

Now, I don’t mean to be heteronormative — it’s just what I know best. However, in order to be most inclusive, I have retrieved first hand information on the intricacies of the dual-cock 69. I had always been led to believe that there was much difficulty in getting this to work out. I mean, how does the one on bottom perform the act? It seems as though a stationary person may not give great blowjobs, but maybe the boy on top just makes the moves for the both of them, humping along until culmination. However, I now know that there is ease in the act — both partners just need to give each other some room to maintain movement. To better understand such movements, I feel another metaphor is in order. Think of those old coal miners. To get to their destination deep inside the cool dark mine, they would switch off pushing down and then releasing a lever attached to their rail car. Up, down, up, down, in, out, in, out. This coordinated movement is the only way to efficiently get where they were going. So is true of the gay 69.

To complete any sort of 69, involving no cock, one cock, black cock, two cocks, you must have balance and persistence, little to no gag reflex and the tolerance to stick your nose in places they shouldn’t be (and I’m not referring to your girlfriend’s journal). I hope that when you feel quite ready and quite comfortable with yourself, your partner and your partner’s bottom side, you will participate in this coveted pursuit until you both fall over in ecstasy.

Mona G. is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She may be reached at [email protected]. Erotic Epiphanies appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Original Author: Mona G.