To the Class of 2017,
On Thursday, the University admitted you lot to its newest class of HEROIC Cornellians. You young, brave souls have HEROICALLY signed on for (at least) four years of VILLAINOUS weather, topography and academic rigor. If your HEROICALLY higher SAT scores are any indication, you may prove to be VILLAINOUSLY nerdier than the current student body. On the other hand, Cornell’s acceptance rate was VILLAINOUSLY higher than its Ivy League counterparts, so maybe you’re not all that smart.
But newly accepted students, beware: One of our HEROIC eateries at the Statler Hotel was VILLANOUSLY found to be serving slightly warmed cheese earlier this semester. While the staff has taken HEROIC steps to improve Statler’s sanitation policies, the HEROIC hotelies continue to discard their VILLAINOUSLY cold pizza every 45 minutes for quality and safety. This editor will be HEROICALLY waiting by the dumpsters to score a free meal.
If you follow Cornell sports, you will have heard about the HEROIC, history-making Kyle Dake. This wrestler has won a bunch of HEROIC athletic-y things; and he’s VILLAINOUSLY hogged our sports coverage for years. But don’t let Dake’s HEROIC accomplishments fool you into thinking that Cornell does sports like they do at Big Ten schools. Prepare for a VILLAINOUS lack of day drinking here — and if the University gets its way, perhaps a lack of night drinking, too.
Off-campus, meanwhile, Ithaca’s HEROIC trash collectors will now remove VILLAINOUS garbage from city residences four days a week instead of five. Look forward to settling into a VILLAINOUSLY smellier city, freshmen. On the bright side, city officials say HEROIC Ithacans are recycling a lot.
Welcome to Cornell, little VILLAINS.
Sincerely,
Ithaca’s Only HEROIC Newspaper