April 1, 2013

Marriage Equality: Clearly the End of the World

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Mark my word; we are sliding down a slippery slope. Before we know it, polygamy will be the new pink and Cornell Confessions will be littered with posts professing love to the Big Red Bear. Trust me, if gay marriage is legalized, the crazy cat lady next door will be sending out save the date cards for her wedding with Mittens before you can say Justice Scalia.

When asked if he would ever consider changing his position about gay marriage, Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss eloquently summed up why this equality hullabaloo is simply out of the question: “I am not gay, so I’m not going to marry one.”

Amen Senator Saxby! Finally, some solid footing that we traditional marriage proponents can rally around. His firm, intellectual response reinvigorates my faith that love between a man and a woman is the only love that our country will recognize.

Now, all you crazy liberal communists out there who say that gay marriage will not affect me, you are wrong. Not only will my heterosexual marriage turn to crap and children be corrupted, but reality T.V. will also be turned upside down. Who is going to tune into America’s Got Tolerance or Extreme Makeover: Marriage Edition? If my next season of Bachelorette is postponed because we have to find a few girls for Desire to woo then I will be writing a strongly worded letter to ABC.

I know those rainbow flags make you want to smile and cheer alongside the spectacle of pride, but shut those feelings down! Having pride in who you are is something that is simply unacceptable in this day and age.

America will always be the same. The slave market is thriving and I have not left the kitchen in weeks. Change just is not in the cards.

Original Author: Sophie Allen