If you haven’t heard of it, Cornell Crushes is a Facebook page where people can anonymously post a message about their crush. While people mostly tend to make puns about peoples’ names and tell them how much they want to have sex with them — “Morgan, you can write a page in my Book because you’re writing makes me want to bang you,” for example — some actually seem cute.
I’ll be the first to admit that I always have crushes on a large number of people at once. Since a crush is just an unfounded admiration from afar and all I do on campus is look at boys, I’ve obviously collected a few. When I used to take larger classes that were less than 90 percent women (thanks dietetics), I had at least one crush per class. It was great — it motivated me to come to class! How else is a girl going to care about intestinal peptide transport? Pure fascination and the love of learning? No.
Ever wonder why people dress up for class? Crushes. You can spend hours perfecting your hair and your outfit before you go out at night, but the time people can most accurately assess their attraction to you is in the sober light of day. Dark and drunk at Dunbar’s? You might as well wear a parka.
Maybe because my classes have diminished in size and my crush count has inversely grown, I have never posted on Cornell Crushes. I also kind of feel like it’s a phenomenon that is past my time. I’m just a little too old, like your 30-year-old cousins on Facebook: they aren’t embarrassing like your mother, but they don’t really use social media the way you do. If I were a sophomore or a junior, I would probably partake.
I’ve also never posted because it’s anonymous, so what’s the point? Half the fun of crushes is the danger! That’s why you tell your friend you think he’s cute: There is a chance she’ll start gossiping like a middle school girl and it will get back to him. That’s why you sit near them in class and ask to borrow a pen: You learned in Intro Psychology that familiar faces are more attractive. Posting an anonymous crush is zero danger, zero excitement.
Of course, it is cool if someone posts about you. Someone not only has a crush on you, but they spent the time to draft a Facebook post about it! But then again, that could be your best friend just trying to make you feel good. Or you have a really pun-worthy name. Like Cummings. Or Vijay.
At least Cornell Crushes are lighthearted and not love letters. Concurrent with the Crushes page came the Cornell Confessions page, where people anonymously confess whatever they want. On that page, you’ll find the real gushings of emotion. Those make me sad. Not telling someone how you feel if you are legitimately in love with them is classically the wrong move. Ask anyone who missed their chance.
So get off the Internet, fools! Go tell your soulmate you love them, and go flirt with your crushes. Spring is in the air!
Morgan Bookheimer is a senior in the College of Human Ecology. She may be reached at [email protected] Behind the Time appears alternate Thursdays this semester.
Original Author: Morgan Bookheimer