April 24, 2013

SEX ON THURSDAYS: The (Back) End Is in Sight

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As a graduating senior, my reign as sex columnist is too quickly coming to an end. I’ve spent four years expanding my sexual horizons with adventures such as Arts Quad building rendezvous deemed “study breaks,” woodland lovemaking (on film), girl-on-girl-on-guy action and a recent love sesh on Schoellkopf field where touchdowns were, for once, plentiful. Though my adventures have been vast, I am not fully satisfied. There is one untapped part of me, like an oil well whose resources are intact but are just begging to be extracted. So, before I start backing away from my college years, I feel the need to first back myself up onto something concrete. Where else is there to go but the butt?

Straight couples rarely shoot for the in-the-butt action, but what makes the act so taboo? First, let’s be frank: Poop leaves that place and girls who do poop (for those dudes with girlfriends who swear to be non-defecators) may feel strange about a penis penetrating their no-go zone. Though I do sincerely understand such reservations, every hole in the human body expels some nasty substance at some point. Do I really have to name them? Yes? Well, after a lasagna dinner and a long night of drinking, something nasty may leave the same place guys love to shove their dicks. And, we must not forget, the vagina dispels the lining of the uterus each month. With that in mind, anal sex seems standard gross rather than extra nasty, like many may ass-ume.

In considering the realities of butt sex, however, one must realize that anal is not something to jump right into. An accidental anal thrust is one thing (and still, a traumatic experience), but a purposeful full-throttle entrance without proper stimulation is cause for disaster, explosive fighting and maybe even a breakup (how do you explain that one to the parents?). So, beginning this rear entrance route, one must start slow and work their way in. The first thing a guy should do is finger his girl and then slowly maneuver his fingers until they are both pleasuring her vaginally and anally. Read the sitch here. If she cringes, not a good sign. If she gives you a nasty look (like nasty in the “oh, you a nasty girl” way, not the poop-dick kind of way), it’s a green light and she wants to get weird with you. Go for gold.

After speaking to some more ass-perienced friends, I came to discover all the possibilities of in-the-butt loving. We who are not well-versed in the topic may believe there is one way to do the dirty: doggy style. However, in order to correctly align angles, it is best to pull the girl’s legs over your shoulders and work your way to victory. It may look like the position you hold a baby to wipe his or her bottom, but forget the image of your little brother as a baby on the changing room table and focus! You may get only one chance at that ass.

Now, a conversation we all must have eventually … we cannot hide from it forever … how can we get up the courage to actually buy a tube? Of what? You guessed right, you poet: LUBE. How can one believe they can slip that dick into the butt without a small tube of spermicidal lube? We like to pretend lube does not exist because we are young, supple, wet, college women who need only a mobile finger to be ready for action. Well, a butthole produces no lubrication and so no one should feel bad about bringing a little slip and slide ass-istance into the bedroom.

What I always say is: It can’t hurt to try something once. And, well, I guess it probably can hurt. Like a lot. But, hopefully some of my ass-tastic tips will help you get past just the tip.

Thanks for reading Erotic Epiphanies. I hope your sex lives have been that much weirder for it. Peace and love (making) to all you good-looking people!

Original Author: Mona G.