October 15, 2013

10 Things Not to Be This Halloween

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It’s getting to be that time of year: the leaves are lighting up in golden-orange molten splendor, the grocery stores are selling candy in amounts that are literally and figuratively gross, and not-yet-leering pumpkins are filling our stoops.

Like every year, we expect to have a deeply original, highly intricate, perhaps even witty Halloween costume and, like every year, under the impending doom of prelims, papers and presentations, we google “last-minute Halloween costumes” at, well, the last minute. Though I’m hoping to see a few government shutdowns, memes and celebrity babies on the streets of Collegetown this Halloweekend, you’ve always got Buzzfeed for the comprehensive lists of Halloween costumes. So here’s a list of the costumes decidedly more trick than treat — the ones that’ll prompt groaning, face-wrinkling and even friends openly avoiding you. You have been warned.

1. A frat star: We get it; it was 10:30 on Thursday night, you were getting desperate and you spotted a neon-orange FRAT hat lying beside your race car bed. Problem is, that costume is sadder than sticking a Post-it note to your foot and calling yourself a footnote. So do all of Cornell a favor and stick a lanyard around your neck and dress up as a freshman — it’s no more creative, but at least it’ll make us chuckle.

2. Mario and Luigi: So you and your main guy or gal wanted to dress up together and hey, the fake moustaches are fun, even if they’re a little itchy. But just like the moustache will fall off, so too this costume will fall — flat, that is.

3. A candy corn witch: If the words gave you pause, I promise you I’m not making this up, although I wish I was. A candy corn witch is a witch with a hat that looks like a candy corn. There are enough things out there to dress up for on Halloween that you don’t need to make things up. Just don’t do it. Also off-limits: neon witch, sassy witch, Barbie witch and black cat witch. The magic is all in the adjectives, clearly.

4. A sexy cat: It is a truth universally acknowledged (okay, Cady Heron said it in this movie you may have heard of) that the easiest Halloween costume for girls is to pop on a pair of animal ears and call it a day. But in the vast animal kingdom, I’m sure you can find something a little more exciting — points to anyone who can figure out how to be a sexy narwhal.

5. Morphman: You stash it at the back of your closet and pull it out at Homecoming and Slope Day to run around and freak some people out. Nobody gets it, and they won’t get it on this day either.

6. Thing 1 and Thing 2: It was cute when you were five and The Cat in the Hat was actually on your reading level. But hopefully your reading level has progressed since then and your tastes have matured. If you’re trying to seem all literary and whatnot, for something a little more college level, how about donning a Regency gown (Elizabeth Bennet) or a tortured expression (Edgar Allen Poe)?

7. Miley at the VMAs: Beyond the fact that this performance is something most of us would prefer to forget, it would be a little more interesting (albeit synonymous) to dress up as a train-wreck.

8. Corpse bride: Give mom’s wedding dress a break this Halloweekend and spare us all the effort of having to figure out who is beneath the fifty layers of dirt and fake blood. If your defense is that it’s timeless, I think what you’re actually searching for is a different t-word — tired.

9. Ghost: It’s a sheet with cut-out eye holes. Need I say more?

10. Mummy: I don’t want to know how many rolls of toilet paper you’re wearing, how you’re getting it to stick on or if you’re wearing anything under there. I do, however, want to find an excuse out of conversing with you, and fast. In the name of conversation-starting costumes, leave the toilet paper in the bathroom, where it belongs.