October 16, 2013

SEX ON THURSDAYS: More Than Just Physical

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Today I thought I’d shake things up from my usual style of writing and talk about something on a more emotional level. This is a topic that perhaps we all think about, but that we never really speak out loud because we’re afraid of sounding sappy to our friends.

A few weekends ago, I had the pleasure of going to see the movie Don Jon (holy shit I just realized that we share the same name … that was not intentional but I will own it nonetheless). Walking out of the theatre, I started to think about the different kinds of sex we all have, and I’m not talking about positions and kinky fetishes here. I’m referring to something infinitely more important: the difference between meaningful and pointless sex.

People say that for girls, a huge part of sex is the psychological aspect — a girl will not be able to enjoy sex if she cannot get emotionally involved. The same people say that guys do not need emotions to enjoy sex — that as long as your D is getting wet, everything is all good. Well, I call bullshit. If a guy ever tells you that he consistently has the best sex ever from a slew of drunken, horny one-night stands, then he’s either lying to you or has not seen the other side.

If you’re a sexually active person, then take a moment and ask these questions to yourself. Are you dating someone or do you take each weekend as it comes? Do you go into a hookup looking for sex or do you see how things play out? This next one is important: When you see someone that you’re interested in, are you the one to take command or do you let him or her come to you? And if you do take command, is it because you just want to get some action, or did you see something special in that person?

Meaningful sex does not necessarily mean sex with someone you’re dating or in love with. If you find yourself in the lucky position of being able to make love in the truest meaning of the phrase, then you know the sexual pinnacle to which I’m referring. There are many stops up that mountain, however, that still put all those empty romps to shame. It’s impossible to say which scenarios will lead to that deeper feeling associated with passionate sex, so don’t let the fact that you’re dating someone or having a series of one night stands be the deciding factor.

You could meet someone at a party one night and just have this amazing connection where everything clicks and goes right for a couple hours, creating a euphoria that makes you feel like you’re flying and never want to come down. You could also be dating someone who you regularly have enjoyable sex with, but at the same time there’s just something in the way emotionally that prevents that same euphoria.

Take it from someone who’s been up and down the mountainside: If you walk away the next morning thinking, “So… why did I do that?”, then you probably had a night where genitalia collided and that’s about it. Neither of you probably said much the entire time, you just sort of went through the motions because everything felt kind of good. All in all … a very forgettable night. But if your heart was racing the whole time, even when you were motionless, then you were there. If you cannot forget the experience, no matter how much you try, then you were there. If you find yourself smiling and thinking about the other person and the sex, and not just the sex, then you were there. That is what we should all strive for in the long run. It’s not always about scoring the hottest guy or girl, or hooking up with as many people as you can. There will come a point when you have that heart-and-mind-blowing sex, and it may happen when you least expect it.

In trying to teach Jon why he isn’t enjoying sex nearly as much as he enjoys porn, Julianne Moore’s character in Don Jon tells him that “If you want to lose yourself, you have to lose yourself in another person. It’s a two-way thing.” You cannot force that feeling, you have to let it happen. It’s why some relationships do not work out, despite appearing fine on the surface. It’s also why a particular one-night stand may be the best sex you’ve ever had. It just happens, and it entirely depends on the connection between both people on a level that’s not just “Hey you’re hot, I’m decent looking. Let’s bump our privates together for a while.” Don’t get me wrong here, you can still enjoy meaningless sex. You can have a burger from McDonald’s any day you want, but there’s nothing quite like a filet mignon for two.