October 16, 2013

SEX ON THURSDAYS: The Art of Sexting

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Before there was snapchat (Fun fact: did you know it was originally called penis-a-boo like peek-a-boo? Weird.) and long after land lines were used for phone sex (wait, did people ever actually do that?) there was the good old sext. Sexting, the phenomenon that got many a teenager in trouble, is a common occurrence in our generation. Well, maybe that’s a generalization — maybe it’s just a common occurrence in my everyday life.

Yes, I’ve done it all. Snapchating naked pics, sexting, phone sex, skype sex (my boyfriend at the time was abroad and before that we did long distance, what do you want from me?) … I even recently had drunken facetime sex (it wasn’t my thing). Seriously though, if it exists in the cyber world, chances are I have done it once, probably twice, perhaps many more times.

I would say it’s a good way to keep up with acquaintances (…it’s not) but honestly it’s just fun that is (maybe? ) safer than sending nude pics via email or text (those have gotten me in trouble too … shoutout to all the ex boyfriends who haven’t deleted them. You know who you are). In the spirit of trying to not piss anyone off with this week’s column, attached is a list of things to remember if you so choose to sext/engage in phone sex. I would say start with sexting and work up to phone sex. It’s a lot easier to have fun if you can take a couple of seconds to think of your response.

5. Be kind. Sexting can be kind of awkward sometimes. If your significant someone/that person you met at Pixel last week is willing to try this out, don’t brag and don’t name drop. It’s mean and, honestly, kind of rude.

4. Delete your messages afterward. I don’t think an explanation is necessary here, but in case it is: Showing this kind of stuff to your friends isn’t cool. It makes you look like a tool and will inevitably get back to the other person. Just delete your messages. You’ll thank me for this one.

3. Be specific. “I want to suck on your cock” isn’t really something you want to do. It’s kind of just an action. How hard are you sucking? Hard and fast or long and slow? Are you attempting some deepthroat action? Specificity helps people visualize things in their mind and brings action to life. I know it might sound a little awkward to go into gory detail but I promise you and your sexting buddy will both be more fulfilled if you go the extra mile.

2. Suspend disbelief. Half the shit you say you want to do to someone is something you would never realistically do in person. Or maybe you would, who am I to judge? I once had a guy ask me, “Uhhhh how did we get to that position?” and my (exasperated) response was, “Does it matter? We’re not even really having sex!” True story. Just go with it; it’s awkward to make someone justify his (or her, I’m all for equality) thoughts and actions in this context.

1. Have fun. Most importantly, sexting is supposed to be funny. I always find that the best parts of sexting are when someone says something completely absurd and you just have to laugh. Feel free to try that. Also throw in some humor along the way, it’s bound to help your partner feel more comfortable.

This is obviously not a complete list that will make you a sexting master, so don’t think I’m the be-all-end-all authority on this. These are just some ideas that may help lighten the mood. My philosophy on almost all things sex (I say almost because anal just hurts) is that, provided you have a respecting, consensual partner, be open to trying things. I’ll reiterate myself just to drill this home: Keep it fun, keep it lighthearted and don’t be an asshole.