October 17, 2013

BERRY PATCH: Faculty Swagger

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Earlier this week, the University announced the addition of four new professors to Cornell Tech’s faculty. These guys seem cool enough, and appear to have their priorities in order — birds! Still, we at The Sun couldn’t help but be a bit disappointed that yet another faculty hire occurred at Cornell and our top professorial picks once again failed to make the cut.

Our hapless Berry Patch reporters, being useless at the job for which we actually hired them, have been assigned to a faculty search committee to track down candidates we can recommend to the University. Here are a few of our top choices of people who should definitely become professors at Cornell:

Dr. Dre: His tastefully-titled rap songs could be aptly used to deconstruct relevant campus and national issues such as economic disparity (“Lil’ Ghetto Boy”), mass incarceration (“Stranded on Death Row”), drug abuse (“Let’s Get High”), high-risk drinking (“Puffin on Blunts and Drankin Tanqueray”), gun violence (“Nigga Witta Gun”) and gender equality (“Bitches Ain’t Shit”). Not to mention his academic qualifications; he’s a doctor after all.

All of U.S. Congress: Let’s get every member of both houses of Congress up here to all co-teach a single course. As a group, Congress boasts an impressive 13 percent approval rating on RateMyProfessor.com. Though they rank about as low as possible in the categories of Overall Quality, Helpfulness and Clarity, that’s probably just ’cuz they’re tough graders. The University can totally, completely rely on them to show up to work every day and to never, ever cancel classes for 16 consecutive days.

Miley Cyrus: Whether you view her as edgy in the best way, offensively deviant or the driving force behind a pop culture shakeup, Miley knows how to generate conversation. With a properly enforced employee dress code, she could put her famous tongue to good use as a lecturer in … Okay no, just … ugh. The image of Miley Cyrus standing at the front of a Cornell lecture hall crosses the line even for a joke editorial. Please forgive our tactlessness.