By SOPHIE ALLEN
Like many other proud Cornellians, I am always excited to see our school’s name on the top of college ranking lists. However, I honestly thought our alma mater was being mocked when I saw that Cornell made Thrillist’s list of “The best college drunk foods at the 25 best party schools.” Upon further investigation, I am still not quite sure whether or not this article is a bad joke.
Amongst a list of rowdy state schools is a blurb about Cornell and the apparent wild nights that we have at … Collegetown Bagels?
“Even though its circular wares are ‘good at all times — not just while drunk’, this ‘iconic’ bagel shop run by ‘a friendly group of Ithaca townies who are just dying to partake in the college fun’ is a ‘late-night fixture’. The ‘HUGE menu’ is highlighted by ‘next-level pizza bagels — Tuscan verde, chicken melt, etc’, and also interestingly features ‘pitchers of beer and sangria’. ‘Stories abound’ of people ‘having sex’ or ‘just plain-old puking’ in the bathrooms, and at least one fine patron has ‘peed a pizza box, right in front of a cop. That didn’t go so well.’ ”
At first I thought that the confused chap who wrote this blog never had a night out at Cornell. Can’t blame a guy for what he doesn’t know! But, the author goes on to state that Collegetown Bagels is the best drunch in Collegetown, conjuring up a rachet scene of a night at the iconic breakfast shop with people having sex in the bathrooms and publicly urinating post-late night bagel. The confusion mounts when attempting to figure out who in the world gave him these quotes.
Trying to find an explanation for everything that I noted above has been pretty fun. Maybe this guy had a really crazy dream and confused it for real life? Or he visited Cornell one night, got really hammered and thought Pixel was CTB? Perhaps he had his own bathroom rendezvous in a Collegetown Bagels followed by an out-in-the-open leak and is trying to justify his actions?
Nice try bra, but you can’t sneak this one past us. We Cornellians know that not only are we nowhere close to being a top 25 party school, but CTB is most definitely not our ideal drunk pig out. You’ll find us at CTP, Nasties, Louie’s or the Hot Truck. CTB is for the morning after.