November 7, 2013

MOCKERY OF A SHAM: No, Really Though … Horse Semen

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Cornell is guilty, a jury ruled on Monday — guilty of the wanton destruction of precious horse semen. Evidently, the University was not careful to use protection when depositing their load after a harvest. The “storage tank” broke; you know how that goes. Now, Cornell is paying more than $200,000 for the semen this wronged equestrian breeder was denied. The University apparently goes for high-class whorses.

As it turns out, horse semen has actually become quite the hot commodity (literally). Given Cornell’s obsession with startups, we put our virile berry patch reporters to work investigating ways the University can turn this learning experience into lucrative future endeavors. We came up with about 18, but we only have the space and attention span to elaborate on two.

Energy drinks: Students are always looking for a chemical boost to get them through that all-night paper or tough week during prelim season. Adderall and other study-enhancing drugs are a widespread problem, but the Australians came up with a natural solution, as documented in a Men’s Health piece aptly titled “Horse Semen: The New Red Bull?” “The idea is you knock it back and feel like a stallion yourself,” one horse breeder says. Remember that mysterious vending machine full of Red Bull that appeared in front of Olin during finals week? Enough said.

Horse condoms: Have these been invented yet? Cornell entrepreneurs (and wannabe entrepreneurs) regularly come up with cock-amamie business ideas that probably have no applicable function in real life but are super novel and original so yay for innovation. The Sun hasn’t applied for patents yet, so this one’s up for grabs.

Editor’s Note: This post contains approximately 65 percent of the semen-related jokes we could come up with in about 30 minutes. If you believe a pun was omitted in error, we are open to feedback. Not on Facebook, Twitter or the online comment section, though — we moderate that shit.