November 13, 2013

SEX ON THURSDAY: Bigger Isn’t Always Better

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When it comes to size, stereotypes and myths abound.

When I say stereotypes, I mean I googled “stereotypes about ethnic group and penis size” and a really shady “scientific” article informed me that South Americans and Africans are well endowed while Asians are not, and most other countries fall between an average of a whopping 7.1 inches and judgment-free 3.8 inches. While that study was stupid and flawed, this stereotype — that “bigger is better” — is still one that persists in today’s society.

Okay, now to be honest, I have had my fair share of sex with men who aren’t well endowed. Whether poorly endowed in girth or length, I’ve had to bite my tongue more than once to prevent myself from asking the guy inside of me if he was even hard (I know, that sounds pretty horrible but at least I didn’t ask it, right?).

Up until this year, I was naïve enough to believe that there was no such thing as “too big” — that size and pleasure had a strong positive correlation (#TBT, I hope the professor who taught PAM Stats is proud). And then, this year, I was proved wrong.

So very, very wrong.

There he was, that cute WASPy blond guy who was so not my type, but I was bored and he was nice, so the next thing I know we’re drunkenly making out on my bed (PG-13 status). All was well in the world and I bid him goodbye in the morning, with the sincere promise that we’d meet up later that week.

Fast forward to Monday morning, when I was recounting the events of the weekend and a mutual friend warned me that this guy had a boa constrictor in his pants. “Not kidding! You’re going to be in pain the next day, be careful.”

To me this was a challenge, a conquest. Yes! This could be epic!

But then it wasn’t. At all. I couldn’t figure out how to comfortably give him head without feeling like I was about to throw up on him. When he decided to thrust all the way into me, oh that was the worst. You know how people can get bladder infections from super penetrative sex (or maybe that’s another myth to debunk)? Not that I got one, but yes, the concern was certainly there. Oh, and then there was the icing on the cake — when he slapped my face multiple times and finished on my back without appropriate warning.

I can’t judge the guy for what he likes — if slapping girls in bed and finishing on their back is what he’s into, I can play that game. But, I could not deal with the size of his massive penis. For how rough I like to play, there were no positions that fulfilled both our needs; every time he thrusted I either cried out in pain or moved forward, like we were doing some kind of dysfunctional tango.

Though I am sure there was a way to make that tango smooth and sexy, it wasn’t happening for us. And so I woke up the next morning sore as ever, freaking out that I may have contracted a bladder infection because of this guy and very slowly walked (limped) home having learned a very important lesson.

Bigger very well may be better. But at the end of the day, it’s all about what you have and how you use it. Ultimately, the stereotype ingrained in my mind that this would be mind-blowing, awe-inspiring sex just fell short. So, to all the males reading this column: YOUR PENIS IS THE PERFECT SIZE. Just learn how to use it.