January 29, 2014

SEX ON THURSDAYS: Strangers, Then Fiction

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“There are times when I feel like an IKEA salesman, because I believe no bedroom is complete without one-night stand.” — Me

For the first time since coming to Cornell, I haven’t dreaded the mundane “how was your break?” B.S. questions. That’s because I now get to respond, “Oh it was good, I applied to grad schools, hung out at home, banged an NHL Ice Girl. You know, the usual.” (While I have yet to respond with that answer, I would not be lying if I did). Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Headshakes and High Fives.

More than once in my life, I have uttered the sentence: “I had an awesome time last night. By the way … my name is (insert Donny J’s real name here), what’s your name again?” I’d like to tell you otherwise, but what’s the point of an anonymous column if I’m not brutally honest? Your Thursday’s wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining if my go-to wild hookup story was the time I made out with my girlfriend of 12 years under the high school bleachers. Considering I never kissed a girl until college (shocker, I know) and my high school didn’t have bleachers, that would be a lie anyway. While there is a spectrum between one-night stands and long-term relationships, that doesn’t mean one end is more desirable than the other.

Now, my goal for today is not to encourage people to start dishing out handjobs to everyone they meet in Collegetown on weekends — though if you insist, please let me know which bar you’ll be at. Rather, I implore you to accept that it is an inevitable facet of the hookup culture, and there is no need to frown upon those who partake. After years of research — that I in no way forced into categories for the humorous purpose of writing this article — I have discovered that there are four players when it comes to one-night stands:

1. The Buzzkill: You refuse to set yourself free for the night, and you are disgusted by those who do. Whether you’re in a committed relationship or have a terrifying fear of penis/vagina/both (shout out to my bi homies), if someone has ever stumbled home from a random bump and grind, you’re sure let them hear how much of a terrible person they are. You are definitely the kind of person who I’d love to have adjacent rooms with so that you’d be forced to hear sounds that you will NEVER unhear.

2. The Hype-Man: What’s a show without an audience? While you may not be laying some weekly pipe, you’re always there to give your bro/girl the “yeah go get some!” thumbs-up from across the room. You are always there the next morning to ask for the play-by-play or driving him to pick up some Plan B (hopefully not the latter). You do not care how many strangers you’ve seen walk by your bedroom door, as long as your friend is having a good time. To the unsung hero of the one-night stand, we salute you.

3. The Shameful Horndog: I’m about to hit home on a quite a few of you right now. Put a couple shots in you and prepare to enjoy the next few hours in a way that your 10 a.m. self will regret weekend after weekend. You tell yourself that maybe you need to rethink some of your ch — HOLY SHIT THAT CHICK/DUDE BUMPED BY ME AND GAVE A LITTLE SMIRK! HE/SHE WANTS IT! But then tomorrow rolls around and you wish kept your D or V to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with this, I just think it’s less stressful to be The Hype-Man, or better yet …

4. The Crotch Magnet: You have a charged pelvis, and every person with a pulse is one a hot slab of iron. While you obviously have preferences, some action and a story is really all you need. After all, you really have to break that dry spell you’ve been on since … last night. And right when you get home, you high-five your bros and tell them they should probably wash their hands now. As far as the average hotness of your hookups go, it’s bound to be lower than the other groups on this list, simply by statistics. But I’ll bet people in the other groups have never banged on a subway, or had to walk home shirtless across campus at four in the morning, or heard “OH YES LESLIE!” when that is not your name. No, my readers, that is you (or in this case… maybe just me).

There is nothing more fulfilling than having beautiful sex in a relationship with someone you love. But for the rest of who are not currently there, just let us have our fun. And hey, maybe you’ll get a good story more than just from me every other Thursday.