February 26, 2014


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When I’m writing an article, there are times when I forget that not everyone who reads them knows who I am (though at this point, I think a significant number of people do). My sense of humor is often very sarcastic and joking, appearing misogynistic on the surface but, in reality, not actually so. I’ve come to realize that, so from here on out, any such jokes made will be obviously sarcastic instead of just subtly.

On the topic of humor, I find that nothing sets the mood better than laughing. Have you ever been in bed with someone who’s so uptight and serious? Someone who just cannot seem to unwind a bit and realize that frankly, sex is supposed to be fun? This isn’t a job interview — but if it were, the only position available is missionary (though I imagine there will be some openings soon *ba-dum-kssh.*) See? Hopefully, I just made you laugh. Horny, yet? Well you shouldn’t be, because that would be awkward.

Today is a little how-to guide on lightening that bedroom mood, and trust me when I say that it’s something everyone could use. Honestly, what’s sex without a light-hearted atmosphere? Passionate love-making aside, what are you going to get out of a standard sexual encounter that you cannot get with your best friends, Left and Right Hand?

 If you actually want to interact with another human being, then get ready to put your funny bone inside her, too. There is nothing sexier to me than a girl who can take a joke and dish one right back because I know that I enjoy her company other than just for sex.

Let’s say you have a bed buddy who you only speak to once a week with the words, “Hey girl, you out?” What are you going to say to that person the rest of the time? Nothing. You’ll awkwardly look down at your phone or wave to a friend who’s not even there when you walk by her in Duffield. Here’s how you fix that, based on personal experiences (yes, these all actually happened):

Method 1: Give a slight scare, then immediately redeem yourself. If that aforementioned person were to climb on top of you and say, “I’m going to give you the clap” and then proceed to applaud you during sex, then chances are he or she is someone worth talking to outside of the bedroom. Or better yet, tell him or her: “This is the best sex I’ve had since the operation.” Even if the sex physically is not that great, you’ll enjoy yourself more because that’s simply what laughing does: anytime, anywhere.

Method 2: Admit and own your deficiencies. Let’s say you’re a little late when you were supposed to meet up with said girl. This line works every (almost never) time: “Hey, I know I’m late, but at least I always cum early!” Then hold your hand out for a high-five and pray she finds that douchey side of you at least a little attractive. Let’s face it, you two have been naked on top of each other, using dirty talk not acceptable at most dinner tables. Humility was shed a long time ago, so there’s no reason why now’s the time to be serious.

Method 3: Catch the other person off guard. For instance, ask, “Hey what’s the difference between you and a bowl of mashed potatoes?” Then answer, “I didn’t put my penis in you last night.” Works. Every. Time.

Obviously, there’s a time and place for everything. As I have briefly mentioned before, and always try to put in perspective in most of my articles, there is a distinct difference between casual sex (or standard sex with someone you’re dating) and making love. Things that are acceptable for the one night with that girl from Level B are not acceptable every time with your girlfriend of three years. And they shouldn’t be, because no one wants to be sweaty and out of breath after an hour of some of the deepest, most soul-binding sex you’ve ever had, only to lean over her shoulder and go, “I hope you brought your raincoat because you are getting SOAKED, girl!” No, just no. (And frankly, that isn’t acceptable to say to that girl from Level B either.)

That does not mean that humorous sex, however, is reserved purely for the casual bangers. If you like this person enough to at the very least make yourself exclusive with him or her, then you two should be comfortable enough asking each other, while in the position, “Hey, why do they call it doggie-style? My dog hated it when we tried this.” Or, ladies, nickname his penis Excalibur. And if he doesn’t get the joke and immediately try to roll over and hide, proceed to remind him exactly what happened in The Sword in the Stone.

The point is that there should be no such thing as boring sex, regardless of what your current relationship status is. What I find sexy may not be what you do, but from personal experience there are a lot of people who want nothing more than to feel good inside and out. And if blowing raspberries into her sides and tickling her until she falls off the bed does the trick, then just go for it.