March 27, 2014

WECHSLER | My Post-Spring Break Predictions

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This week, there was influx of people trying to get a workout in at Newman. On Monday when I walked in and saw a string of sorority tanks occupying the treadmills, I just thought it was a mere coincidence. Plus, there was an open treadmill right in the middle of the crew and I wasn’t going to let the opportunity to show off my once athletic frame pass. As the week progressed and the number of sorority girls on elliptical machines increased, I realized what was going on; people were making their last second efforts to tone their bodies before Punta Cana, the Bahamas or, in my case, Israel. Why work out for a family trip to Israel? Well, everyone knows God is more receptive to your prayers when ya look good.

Anyway, the scene at Newman this week made one thing clear: Spring break is finally upon us. However, I’m not here to give the classic spring break advice blog. While making out with like three and a half girls on my own trip last spring does make me the master, I’ll let you all figure out how to spring break on your own. If any of you are desperate for advice, though, just let Dom Mazzetti tell you about his experiences — if I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that Dom always knows best.  No, instead of focusing on break itself I will choose to look forward to our return to sunny Ithaca, and make some predictions about what is to come.

Yik Yak Will Be Dead

Originally, the Sig Phi rumor mill Yik Yak was wildly entertaining and taught me a bunch of things I didn’t know: The frat I joined was gay, I share a dildo with my older brother and one of my closest friends was a test tube baby. Unfortunately, as time has gone on the Yak has become increasingly unfunny. By the day we get back from break, I can safely say the only person still posting will be Taylor Holland.

Everyone’s GPAs Will Plummet

Go to the library or darty? Before spring break when it was still snowing outside, that might have been a reasonable question. However, as soon as the sun is out and it is warmer than 60 degrees, all motivation will go out the window. Time to step up my jersey game and switch my workouts to strictly arms and chest … well, I guess I won’t actually have to change anything on that end.

If it Snows on Slope Day, Ludacris Will Be a No-Show

Something tells me Luda wouldn’t really be down with snow in May. Fat chance he shows if it’s less than 60 degrees.

Love Will Be in the Air

Was I successful with girls in my first eight months of college? Well, that depends on how you define success. If success means doing well, then no … I probably wasn’t “successful.” However, a lot of girls told me that I was a really nice guy and would totally want to hook up in the future. I mean, they did technically say this as they were rejecting me, but I’m not worried. After break is the future, so I think my prospects are looking good.

Every Girl Will Be Vying to Be Ethan Cramer Gibbs’ Spring Formal Date

As I’m sure most of you know, “Gibbs” has already become Cornell’s most eligible bachelor. Straight up, the kid is a heartthrob and I really don’t anticipate that changing. While the big man has options, he has told me personally that he is open to something new. So, if any of you female readers out there are interested — and honestly, how could you not be — let me know and I will put you in touch. Who knows, maybe you will be lucky enough to be chosen as his date.