April 9, 2014

SEX ON THURSDAYS: The Column You Didn’t Know You Needed

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Hello loyal readers, I’m back from my month-long literary hiatus. Hope you all have been having the best sex of your lives (or at least, for now). Here at Sex on Thursdays, we’re all about advice and funny experiences. Is it possible, however, that we’ve been overlooking key areas of sex? I mean there’s only so much that can be said on how to give a good blowjob or how threesomes are most exciting when the inevitable group high-five happens. So today, I shall be filling in the gaps (crude pun not-intended, but YOLO) and teaching you all how to fine-tune your romp.

Grinding, Not Just for People with Skill: We all know the art of conversation is dead and the only way to meet your future wife is by randomly grinding up on them. Believe it or not, some people are uncomfortable with walking up to complete strangers and dry-humping them, and thus they lack proper technique. Here’s what you do: Make eye-contact. If she swarms in with all her girl friends, she obviously telling them, “Oh my god, girls! There’s this total hottie checking me out over there, he’s all mine for the night!” Now you deftly stumble through a crowd of other guys on their own journey and initiate contact.

The rest is easy. The beat of the song is not necessary to know at all; remember grinding is just about moving left and right at your own choosing. And be sure to be just out of phase with her swaying — girls like guys who can follow, albeit slowly.

The Art of Sock-Removal: After your sweet dance moves have won each other over, you’re inevitably ending up back to the crib for three minutes of pleasure (or in my case, three and a half minutes. Helloooo ladies!). Everyone knows the most difficult part about sex is clothing removal. Guys have all those complex buttons, girls have Fort Knox holding the back of their bras together. But we all know the hardest part is below the waist. That’s right … the socks.

If girls are in heels, perfect. I didn’t have enough foot grime from outside of my sheets, anyways. If you have a nice pair of whites, however, you’re going to need some real Jedi shit to get those off. Beginners are going to have to deal with standing/laying down completely naked except for your feet, then realizing and having to awkwardly stop what is already such a smooth night. The skilled are capable of removing the socks along with your shoes, and the trained elite (such as myself) can sneak them off with that little thumb trick at the same time as your pants. Try it while your roommates watch, because practice makes perfect and you’re going to want as much input as you can get.

Receiving Oral 101: Giving oral is a cakewalk — penises are easy enough to navigate and I only needed a diagram for the vagina the first, like, three times. It takes exceptional skill, however, to receive. Where do you put your hands? Do you moan or not? Your love-parts are center stage right now, so own it! Here’s what you do. You have two options: 1) if the oral is good, then just lie there and let the natural noises come out — don’t force anything, and 2) if the oral is bad, then ignore your inner voice telling you to jump right to the sex and fake as many noises as humanly possible. When done, fist bump your partner and switch.

Bottom, the Most Difficult Position: At this point, you and your partner are no doubt turned on from this flawless foreplay. But that inevitable question comes into both your minds: Who should be on top when storming the castle? That’s right, not you! You’re the headline, not the opening act. Hell, Moby Dick has his own book and he doesn’t even show up until the last chapter. So start out on bottom and set the stage, but remember now is not your time. Feel free to grab, stroke and kiss whatever ever you want. Now’s the time for moans, dirty talk and a little reciprocal thrusting of your own. But don’t give the opening act too much action; like I said, you’re the headliner, so when it’s your time, get up there and own it.

Cuddling: I want you to cuddle your partner as hard as you can. Nuzzle and kiss the crap out of them, because you are one tender son of a bitch.

Now give yourself a high-five, because you are a sex machine.