April 23, 2014

SEX ON THURSDAYS: Thx 4 the Memories

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I couldn’t bring myself to accept the reality that this is my last column, so I put it off until the night before it was due. There are so many topics I haven’t written about that still remain on my “column ideas” sticky note, but the clock has simply run out. Instead of immediately trying to impart all the wisdom I have accumulated this year, I would like to first provide a highlights reel of all my funniest stories.

First, I would like to thank the boy who peed in my bed. Maybe thank is the wrong word because I had to flip my mattress and do so much laundry the next morning, but yeah. I woke up at four a.m. to a large wet spot and didn’t really know what to do about it. That happened. Also, IT WASN’T ME. I would have been the first to admit it had I wet the bed. Next time you pee in someone else’s bed, please do them the courtesy of admitting it was actually you because no one is looking for golden showers (unless you are, in that case who am I to judge?).

Next, I would like to thank the boy who had explosive diarrhea while I was asleep in the room next door. I didn’t know you were having stomach problems and didn’t really care to know either, but somehow it came up the next morning. In the future, with the other women you sleep with, I would like to advise you to keep bodily functions to yourself unless you’re seriously dating them. Even then, maybe keep it to yourself. Some things are certainly better left unsaid.

But really. I started writing this column in the hopes that I could make sex more fun for other people. I truly believe that sex should be fun, funny and maybe a little awkward for both parties. College is the first time in our lives we are completely without parental supervision for an extended period of time. We live by ourselves, feed ourselves, answer to no one (except those pesky R.A.s) and pretty much learn how to actually interact with those of the opposite sex. I can’t say we succeed at all those things (I’ve made many a bad fashion decision in my years on the Hill), but it’s the independence and the freedom that matters.

If my column has made you laugh or feel anything at any point this year then I consider my job done. When I enter the real world, I will no longer be able to tell an entire campus about my weekend sexcapades or what I really think of sexting. My only wish is that all of you take your senior year (or sophomore, junior and senior years — who’s keeping track?) to have fun in bed. It doesn’t matter whether that means you have fun with one partner or many, just remember to have fun.

There isn’t enough space on this page for me to thank everyone who deserves a special shout out. This column has not only made my senior year exciting and fun, but it has also given me the perfect excuse to have lots (and lots) of sex. Without further adieu…

Thank you to Hankmael for putting in a good word and recommending me to write these beautiful and classy pieces of art every other week. You never cease to surprise me. Special thanks to Liz and Caroline for editing around my hectic schedule, and never (I repeat NEVER) judging me for the absurdity that is my life. Thank you to my roommates for letting me read my column aloud, drunk or sober, and for being cool with the rotating door of men I’ve let into our home this past year. Thanks to my parents for never reading this column (but always letting me rant about needing to write it) and special shoutout to my older brother for rolling his eyes every time my column is mentioned by either his fraternity brothers or me.

Thank you to all the guys who have given me material for this column. Even though some of you only slept with me because you knew I was Amy O., hearing your worries that I would write about you always gave me a good laugh. Last, and certainly not least, thank you to all my readers (including the frats that send this around your listservs. … You know who you are)! I couldn’t have done this without your love, support, tweets and Facebook shares. Even though I hope I’ve challenged you all to think about sex in a different, less serious way, at the very least I hope Some Like it Rough made you laugh.