August 27, 2014

GUEST ROOM: A Twinning Trio

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Everyone thinks having a twin brother is so cool. Have you ever played tricks on people? Taken each other’s tests? Liked the same girl? These are just some of the questions I get asked all too often. People don’t get that being a twin means having a close companion who understands me well, not some hooligan who goes out of his way with me to play tricks on others or mess with girls. Well, at least that was the case . . .  until last weekend.

My twin brother Nate, my friend Tom and I hopped in the car and drove the five hours to Montreal to visit my best friend Ethan. We arrived late on Friday and immediately headed to the campus bar, a spacious yet lively venue with a large counter in the front. My friend had warned me about their campus drinking game, “God Save the Queen. ” Rules: Drop a coin in peoples’ cups. Make them chug their drinks. I did my best to keep my cup protected as I took down beer after beer. At one point, Nate went up to the bar to get some more beer. As the bartender handed him a pitcher, I saw a girl artfully drop a coin into the pitcher. Nate spilled the entire contents of the pitcher into his mouth. Somebody wants to get my brother drunk.  And that’s not the only thing she wants to do. Just as an idea popped in my head, Ethan asked me to step out to grab some fresh air.

“There’s this girl that really wants Nate,” I told him. “I’m gonna try to enter the picture.” Returning inside, I immediately began flirting with the girl. Naturally, she was just as in to me as she was in to my twin. After getting to know her some — she was a junior named Adile from Turkey — and helping Nate finish yet another pitcher in which Adile had dropped a coin, I felt in the right state of mind to pose the deciding question.

“So, you live around here?”

“Yes, about five minutes,” she said.

“Do you wanna go back to your place?”

She gestured towards Nate, as if she was asking, “Him too?”

“Yeah, him too.”

Moments later, my friend Tom was sporting the widest grin imaginable as Adile, holding my hand, which was holding Nate’s hand, led the three of us out of the bar.

Soon enough, we were congregated in her small bedroom. Before I could even think about how this would work, she and I began making out, leaving Nate to figure out how to get involved. Things started to heat up. Just as I gently laid her on the bed,  she quickly turned around to make out with Nate. Shit, I should have seen that coming.

Nate was the first to enter. Pride filled my bloodstream as I, for the first time in my life, watched my brother do the dirty. Damn he’s not bad. Good thing mine’s bigger.

Then it occurred to me. There’s an extra, albeit smaller hole. I wrapped up my pleasure pump. Adile saw what I was about to do.

“No, I don’t want you to kill me!” she cried out.

Damn. But the light bulb went off again. Seeing Nate get tired, I tapped on his shoulder and yelled, “I’m tagging in!” He followed suit, and we formed a tag team, rotating between arduous work and much-needed rest.

During my third shift, as I’m coming in hard from behind, Nate moved around to her front and motioned for a mouth bath. She obeyed. In a moment of sheer joy upon recognition that we have found two holes on the same green, Nate and I held our hands up together in ludicrous triumph.

Later on, Adile was on top of me as we made out. I assumed Nate had taken a break to reenergize, but, all of a sudden, he approached Adile from behind and began doing it à la dog. Now remember, Adile was on top of me, so I began to start shaking back and forth right along with her. I start freaking out and yell “Let me off, let me off!” butAdile doesn’t understand what the problem is. Nate soon realizes, stops, and allows me to slip out from under Adile. Oh my god, oh my god, I’m done, no more.

The night of debauchery ended as the clock turns 3:30 a.m. The room was sweaty, Trojans adorned the floor, and we lay on the bed catching our breath.

Adile broke the silence, “Sleep over, I’ll make you guys pancakes in the morning.”

I imagined my twin brother and I the next morning, sitting tranquilly at a breakfast table eating pancakes with a girl we had tag-teamed the night before.

“I’m sorry, we’re only here for the weekend, we really should be with our friend.  . . . Thanks for having us though.”

Nate and I slipped on our clothes, walked out of her room and out of her apartment, closing the door behind us.

We burst into laughter. Oh man, having a twin is so fucking cool.

Rocky M. graduated from the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. Comments can be sent to associate-edito[email protected]. Guest Room appears periodically this semester.