September 10, 2014

SEX ON THURSDAYS: Love, Lust and the In-Between

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Picture this: It’s Friday night, and the bell for last call just rang at Dunbars. You get a text from the guy you hooked up with a week ago. “What’s your plan for the rest of the night?” A smile creeps on your face as you get booty-called; someone wants you. Everyone wants to feel wanted, don’t they? You go to his house, chat and make out until you’re both naked and he’s trying all of his favorite techniques to get you off. He gives up after three minutes as soon as you’re sufficiently wet, climbs on top and you have sex. The sex feels good, as most sex does, and he finishes and rolls over. Maybe you stay over, and maybe he cuddles with you. You’re kind of sweaty and kind of have to pee, but as you lay half-satisfied in his arms, the oxytocin kicks in and you begin to think about how it could be if you two were together, and if he cuddles all the girls he hooks up with like this. You think he’s cute and funny and you picture him inviting you to his formal and how great the pictures will look. Meanwhile he is passed out, snoring in your ear. The next morning he tells you he has something to do at nine a.m. so you’ll have to leave, and sorry that he can’t walk you home.

So many college-aged women settle for this in-the-moment lust when they can’t find love. They claim they’re just in it for the sex or that they’re not ready for a commitment, but in that dark, warm, post-coital moment when he holds you and the feel-good hormones course through your body, your mind wanders to its true desire. Everyone wants to be in love. It’s when these thoughts start to cross your mind — despite the knowledge that he’s seeing other girls or that he ignores your texts sometimes or that he outright tells you that he doesn’t see himself dating you — that you need to sit down with your best friends and watch He’s Just Not That Into You and move on. These thoughts convince women to stay with a guy who is not that into them because he seems like the closest thing they can find, and having a guy who wants to sleep with you is better than having no one at all, right? I’m urging you to wait for the real thing. Don’t exhaust your emotions on someone who simply enjoys the fact that you make him orgasm.

I don’t believe in love at first sight, or second or third sight for that matter. I wasn’t in love with any of the guys I slept with the first time I slept with them. However, it is possible for these hookups to turn into love. Of course there are all of the obvious signs that he actually likes you for more than your body, which you can find on any self-help “does he actually like me” website. However, there are a few clues in the bedroom. If he loves you, he doesn’t just do whatever it takes to get you wet enough to get inside you easily. He actually wants you to feel good and it gives him immeasurable pleasure to get you off, even if it takes going down on you for 10 straight minutes. He wants to look you in the eyes when you’re in missionary, and it’s not weird or uncomfortable. He finds your red, squished-up “O” face to be the sexiest thing in the world. You will wake up cuddling with him as big spoon and he’ll enter you in that position, knowing you’re too self-conscious about morning breath to face him, but knowing that you want to do it just as much as he does. He lusts after you, but he also loves you.

Hold on to the guy that loves you, and get rid of the ones that don’t. The guy that booty-calls you might be a well-oiled sex machine, but sex with the guy who loves you will be so much better anyway. I’m not saying you have to be dating to be in love. You don’t even have to say it. It’s a physical love where you appreciate each other’s bodies and get pleasure from each other’s pleasure. The oxytocin doesn’t trick you into thinking you just had great meaningful sex because you know as it’s happening how great it is. I’m also not saying you shouldn’t have one-night stands or go home with randoms. I’m all about experimenting in college. Just don’t dedicate months of your precious college time to a guy who will never love you. There is a difference between sexual compatibility and love, and I urge you to seek out the difference. Watch out for warning signs of disinterest early so that you can dedicate your time to the guys who think it’s cute when you fart in your sleep instead.

Ruth M. is a senior in the College of Industrial and Labor Relations. She can be reached at [email protected]. I’m Just Gonna Shake It appears alternate Thursdays this semester.