October 8, 2014

SEX ON THURSDAYS: The Best Way to Spend 90 Minutes

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Everyone needs a good sex playlist. If anything, I’d recommend having a couple at your disposal for different purposes. There’s a lot of great music out there that can be used before, during and after the act, but not every song works for every person. So instead of offering you the “10 best songs to get you horny as f*ck” or “50 great beats that will get you and your partner wetter,” I decided it’d be more interesting and, hopefully, valuable if I look at the anatomy of a playlist using one of my favorites.

I call this playlist The Best Way to Spend 90 Minutes.

A mixture of upbeat and slow songs will help match the natural ebbs and flows of every make out session.

The Selection: “Glory Box” by Portishead.

Best Line: “Just take a little look from outside when you can / Show a little tenderness.”

The Reason: Portishead’s slow-melting ballad is the perfect way to begin the night. This song’s romantic and sultry rhythms will help set a love-making mood, even during a one night stand. And when Beth Gibbons, the lead-singer, serenades when the beat drops, I dare you to not scratch your nails from the tip of your partner’s neck all the way to their lower back.

Additional selections: “Psychotic Girl” by The Black Keys; “Primetime” by Janelle Monáe and Miguel; “Without” by Shy Girls; “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon and “Naughty Girl” by Beyoncé.

This stuff should be dirty, suggestive and make your heart pound.

The Selection: “Intro” by The xx.

Best Line: No lyrics, just moaning.

The Reason: You can take the title of this track quite literally, as it signifies the perfect time to take your hand and place it in your partner’s pants. By the time the moaning in the song kicks in, you can expect your partner to have been doing the same, but for a lot longer. Although I prefer lyrics, The xx’s well-known track gives me everything I want without words: pace, heavy beats and an ability to turn me on in any situation.

The Selection: “Down on Me” by Jeremih & 50 Cent.

Best Line: “And I’m gonna lick it, lick it, lick it / till her hicky have that river running.”

The Reason: I can’t say with certainty that you’ll understand the meaning of everything that 50 Cent says, but it’s not hard to get the gist — Fiddy loves putting his partner on her back and getting to work. At about this time, I suggest you doing the same. Spend the first three minutes of the song teasing your partner’s thighs before you dive in at the climax of the song. Only warning: Don’t get too good or you’ll both find yourself finishing before The Weeknd and Robin Thicke get their chance to make you cum.

Additional selections: “Outside” by The Weeknd; “U KNOW” by Prince; “Lil’ Freak”byUsher and “Harder to Breathe” byMaroon 5.

Try to find songs that match the type of sex that you want to be having — don’t overthink this, just plays what makes you feel good.

The Selection: “Loft Music” by The Weeknd.

Best Line: “I think you lost moral, girls / But it’s okay / ‘Cause you don’t need em’ where we’re going.”

The Reason: There’s not much that isn’t wrong about this song, and that’s what makes it so right. The Weeknd praises his drug usage, his infidelity and his ability to please every woman that comes before him in around in minutes. His ballad will make you feel just as naughty and the song’s progression is perfect. The ups and downs replicate every sexual experience I’ve ever had. I guarantee that you’ll find yourself moving on the rhythm when The Weeknd gasps his first words.

The Selection: “Lost Without U” by Robin Thicke.

Best Line: “You wanna roll with me / You wanna hold with me / You wanna make fires and get Norwegian wood with me.”

The Reason: After dirtying yourself, it’s nice to clean up with a little Robin Thicke. The crooner drops the words “love” and “you” a combined 45 times in his seductive piece and he offers a respite from the stronger, more suggestive songs from this playlist. The smooth voice should elicit a similar response from you: bite and lick your partner’s ear and say a few words. Trust me, don’t be coy and make sure to say exactly what you’re feeling.

Additional selections: “Lost Without U” by Robin Thicke; “I’m in it” by Kanye West and “Neighbors Know my Name” by Trey Songz.

Seriously, take a rest. You deserve it.

The Selection: “Hello My Old Heart” by The Oh Hellos.

Best Line: “I’ve been so worried / You’ve been so still / Barely beating at all.”

The Reason: The subtle acoustic guitar and soft voice will bring your heart rate to a much more sustainable rate. I like turning down the music and dimming the lights. If your playlist was done right, you’ve been getting to work for just over 70 minutes and all you will want to do is escape into some much needed sleep.

Additional selections: “To Me” by Chet Faker; “Hideaway” by Passion Pit; “Born to Die” by Lana Del Ray; “I Should Live in Salt” by The National and “Re: Stacks” by Bon Iver.

Hitch is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. He can be reached at [email protected]. Hints From Hitch appears alternate Thursdays this semester.