By DAVID WECHSLER
While there are many reasons for why it has taken me so long to write a new article, I want to begin by assuring everyone that one of the reasons is not because I’ve been doing so well with girls that I don’t have any material left to make fun of myself. No, sadly I don’t see that day coming any time soon. Despite my devilishly good looks, some girls like guys that are six feet tall and – ya know – not Jewish. While I’ll never understand these kinds of girls, the point remains that they exist; but I digress. The main reason for the break between articles is that, as a pledge of AKPsi, I am supposed to be practicing professionalism and these posts may not always fit that bill. However, my theory is that the damage is already done and I can’t unwrite any of my previous posts. So, to any future employers out there, now you know that when you read on my resume that I write weekly articles about student life for the oldest student run newspaper in the country, I really just write online posts about trying to get laid and sprinkle some Cornell references in there when it seems appropriate.
Additionally, the fact that Cornell thinks it makes sense to stack all our prelims in the same week did not help in the free time department. Still, through all the stress, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, fall break was going to be well deserved. I would have no prelims to worry about; friends from home to catch up with and a brief, yet welcome, hiatus from the Cornell social scene. While I have no complaints about life up in Ithaca, having a weekend away from school where I wasn’t going to run into that girl I aggressively tried to make out with at Pixel was going to do wonders for me. I was thinking of getting a new haircut, buying some new clothes and returning to Cornell a new man. The idea of going strictly by Dave for the next three years even crossed my mind. Now, I wasn’t sure of the precise thought most people would think when they saw this new and improved me, but I could only imagine it was going to be something along the lines of, “Wow, break did big things for David (Dave?). I didn’t want to have sex with him before, but now I definitely do.”
Unfortunately, my perfect break was compromised when I remembered one minor detail: I live in New York City. Now, don’t get me wrong; I wouldn’t want to be from anywhere else in the world. Boston can have its titles, Philly can keep pushing their brotherly love and Cali can claim to be as chill as they want, but when your city is referred to as the city, you know you’re doing something right. As much as I love my humble hometown though, I forgot the fact that the city is just a much more expensive version of Cornell. While the locations may be different, the people really are the same.
However, going back to this idea of professionalism, a skill that I recently put on my resume is that I am “adaptable.” Now, I don’t really know how true this is, but I figured a resume is the best place to overstate my abilities and accomplishments. And so over the past month, I have been practicing this speech for interviews where I explain that I am up to any challenge and don’t let adversity get in my way because I am good at adapting to new situations. Well, it was time to put my money where my mouth was and see how I was going to fare not having break to become a new man in the eyes of Cornell’s finest.
Since none of you care about the details, I’ll keep a long story short and say that home field advantage did nothing to help my cause. And while I am sure there are a wide variety of reasons for my lack of success that girls are more than welcome to privately explain to me (receptive to criticism is also a talking point of mine in interviews), I’m going to stick with this as the real reason for my struggles over break:
Me: Aw thanks you didn’t have to tell me how great I looked tonight, so do you.
Me: So how do you feel about getting the grand tour of my place?
Girl: You have your own apartment?
Me: Well, no. I live with my family…
Girl: You don’t think that’s weird? I’m not trying to meet your parents.
Me: Patty? She’s a gem. Only walked in on my once and that was in 11th grade.
Girl: Not gonna happen.
God, parents are such cockblocks. Anyway, the point remains that breaks from Cornell are hard to come by when the only difference between your home and your school is that they don’t have bottle service at Pixel. So no, I did not get the opportunity to transform myself in the past five days and yes, I will be returning to Ithaca the same as I left it. Look out for the new shirt that I bought though – the lady at the store told me it makes my eyes pop.