By SHANE LEWIS
I have had a revelation. Last week, as I was making my football predictions for The Sun, I stopped and pondered as I tried to predict the Brown-Princeton matchup. I knew absolutely nothing about Princeton or Brown football. I also knew absolutely nothing about Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth, Penn or Columbia football. In fact, I knew nothing about Cornell football either. And it is no surprise that I have no knowledge of Ivy League football, I would rather watch anything than watch Columbia commit 15 turnovers or a Penn kicker miss 20 yard field goals. And I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one. Ivy League football just isn’t very good.
Also this past Sunday, as I woke up sleepily at 1 p.m. after a night filled with Keystone Lite and that toilet water we call Barton’s, I walked into the hallowed great hall of Phi Delta Theta to the saddest sight of my life. I looked at the television screen and couldn’t believe my eyes. No, it wasn’t the Steelers-Cardinals that graced the television screen. Nor was it the sneakily good game that was Broncos-Browns. Hell, it wasn’t even Bears-Lions. No, my fellow brethren. We were watching Arsenal against Norwich City. The freaking Premier League, man. Unless the NFL recently expanded, I don’t think either of those teams exist in the confines of the greatest sports league in the world. It’s called Football Sunday, not Fútbol Sunday. Come on, now.
Lastly, it came to my attention that Cornell football lost last weekend to a team called Sacred Heart. Can somebody please tell me where Sacred Heart is? Seriously, anybody? Well, after doing my journalistic research, I found out that Sacred Heart is a Catholic University in Fairfield, Connecticut with an undergraduate population of about 4,000. They do not have an athletics section under their Wikipedia page I’m guessing because they’re Sacred Heart. They do however, have a separate Wikipedia page for their marching and pep band. So we lost to a school one-fourth of our size, that takes more pride in their marching band, 31-6? You have to gotta be kidding me.
So my revelation follows as such my friend: Cornell is not a football school. Cornell’s motto is “I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study.” Well, this motto is unfortunately false. I wish to study in the sacred (he)art (see what I did there?) of football, and the atmosphere here just doesn’t stimulate my learning. It really is a shame.
But this is a problem that can be fixed, my friends. There is still hope for all the football starved fans across the campus. First of all, fans need to make an effort to go out and watch the Cornell football team. I went to the Homecoming game, and there were literally only like 20 people in the bleachers (Editor’s note: 16,057 attended the Homecoming game, the largest crowd at a Cornell football game since 2000). If we want to establish some kind of school spirit, we need to actually go out and show our support for the team. On the flipside, the football team actually has to give us something worth watching. No more 31-6 drubbings at the hands of Sacred Heart. Please.
I want to see our bleachers packed like Death Valley when Florida State comes to town. Like Notre Dame Stadium on a Saturday night. I want our fans to be chanting “Rudy” and tearing down field goal posts. Please.
Another rule that needs to be strongly enforced is no more damn soccer on Sundays. Sunday is a holy day, preserved for only the purest of sports. I know soccer has games like every other day of the week. Watching football is as American as apple pie and John Belushi, but I fear it is slowly being degraded by the Premier League and whatever La Liga is. Let’s keep Sunday pure. No more soccer. Please.
I don’t think these requests are too much to ask for. With everyone’s effort, we can change the football culture of Cornell around. Did you guys know that Cornell has more football national championships than the University of Texas? Sure, our last one was 100 years ago, but we can reach those pinnacles once again. I believe it. So no more Sacred Heart and no more Norwich City. Let’s make football at Cornell great again. Please.