January 28, 2016

THE BERRY PATCH | What’s Living in Klarman Hall?

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Two years of construction and $61 million later, Klarman Hall finally opened its doors to eager Cornellians on Jan. 19. The new building has been called “iconic,” “uplifting” and “light-filled.” The sapid scent of Temple of Zeus’ Creamy Zucchini and Minestrone soup wafts through the glass-enclosed atrium, delighting the noses of humanities students who feel giddily at home in Klarman and occasional engineering kids who are just there to fulfill a distribution requirement. But they are not the only ones wandering in Klarman — we’ve heard rumors that some sketchy characters have also taken up residence in Cornell’s newest building. To figure it out, we asked our best Berry Patch reporters to investigate who, or what, is living in Klarman Hall.

Ghost of Goldwin Smith Past: The namesake of the ‘uglier sister’ humanities building got lost and wandered into the wrong building. He was confused by modern technology — like windows — and hasn’t managed to escape Klarman Hall since. If you see him, lend a ghost a hand and point him in the right direction.

Hoverboards: Banned from campus residences and with nowhere else to wheel to, the hoverboards you got on Christmas have collected in Klarman Hall. They were planning a rebellion against the fire marshall, but are now embroiled in an existential debate on whether they actually are hoverboards even though they don’t hover. We’ll update you when they’ve sorted out their identity crisis.

President Emeritus David Skorton: SIKE, guys! The guy never had a job at the Smithsonian. Despite his jazz flute skills and impressive bow tie collection, the job market has been tough for Skorton too, so he’s been rooming in Klarman to avoid the Collegetown prices ever since he stepped down.