It’s not a great time to be a voter in America. The ongoing presidential election is crazier than ever: loyalties are tested, compromises are made and doubts are had by all. Wading in a frighteningly shallow pool of candidates, we’re forced to question how our nation has fallen victim to such an impossible dilemma. What credentials do Americans really value? Who do we reward with our support? Surely, even the Leader of the Free World is only human. Do we favor a real estate mogul (real estate: courtesy of Dad)? A passionate warrior who tirelessly battles wealth inequality? A nice, trusty pair of XX chromosomes? If only there existed a hybrid… a beautiful medley of all of these impressive qualities…
Onika Tanya Maraj came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. She came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise. Onika, better known by her stage name, Nicki Minaj, came to fly. She’s a blessing in a neon pink wig — the perfect solution for America in these trying times. Her commitment to inclusion, powerful commentary on relevant issues like sexism and promise to boost the American standard of living would form only the basis of a radical presidential campaign.
Do you feel uneasy with Donald Trump’s harsh policies on border patrol? Well, allow Minaj, through her foreign birth and dynamic domestic life, to guide you. Captured in her lyrics, “Young Money raised me, grew up out in Baisley /South Side Jamaica, Queens and it’s crazy /’Cause I’m still hood, Hollywood couldn’t change me,” is an underlying belief in equal opportunity regardless of geographic origin. Further facilitating the image of America as a truly empathetic and nondiscriminatory nation, Minaj extends her concern to the hungry and the sleepless. In “Right By My Side,” she stammers, “I can’t eat I-I-I-I /I can’t sleep I-I-I-I,” expressing an interest in validating human beings of all mental states.
Does Hillary Clinton’s feminist platform appeal to you? Nicki Minaj revolutionizes the concept of gender equality as well as the portrayal of females in the media. Consistently denying (poor) suitors through her music, Nicki is a champion of female independence. In her public debuts, she is professional and polished, sporting signature two inch lashes and maybe a dab of glow-in-the-dark Very Berry lip gloss if she’s aiming to please. Nicki’s minimalist approach to the highly televised political industry would shift the spotlight from her person to her insightful ideas. Memorably, her 2011 MTV Video Music Awards apparel earned a surge of approval. Refusing to engage in petty political banter, as most candidates do, she quite literally taped her mouth shut, rendering both herself and her audience speechless.
Are you drawn to Bernie Sanders’ corrective vision for the economy? Nicki, too, is dedicated to improving American finances. Yes, she “might cop a million Jimmy Choos just for fun,” but that doesn’t mean that she’s unaware of our growing national debt. Hoping to jolt this country out of its recession, Nicki released her chart-topper, “Beez In The Trap.” Its true victory lies not in its rhythm or its tune, but in its message to middle class Americans, for whom financial worries are never far. What does “Beez In The Trap” actually mean? Nicki reveals all on The Graham Norton Show: “[Beez] just means … I am always, you know … we be like, I beez doing such and such and such. Really, it’s like, I am always in the trap. Now, the trap, ladies and gentlemen, relates to anywhere that you get your money.” Nicki Minaj, our eloquent but humble billionaire, understands the pressures of a nine-to-five workday. Her contempt for the economic burden of the majority would resonate strongly with citizens across the nation.
Usually, politicians are snakes — dangerous, unreliable. Not Nicki Minaj, though. Culminating in her hit-single “Anaconda,” Minaj’s political campaign certainly earns my allegiance. Minaj is the symbol for all things right: be it a gracious immigration system, social equality or a fair distribution of income. If a businessman and a lawyer are serious contenders for the presidency, then why not a musician with a flair for politics? So, fellow voters, let us assemble. Let us renounce the other waffle-house (“a clearly misguided old wrinkle,” as defined by The Nictionary) candidates. Let us free ourselves from the trap and vote Nicki Minaj for President.
Priya Kankanhalli is a sophomore in the College of Arts & Sciences. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Matters of Fact appears alternating Tuesdays this semester.