August 24, 2017

SEX ON THURSDAY | The Six Places You Have to Have Sex Before You Graduate

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What’s the best part of sex in college? Definitely not the orgasms. The majority of the people I’ve slept with (mostly the one-night stands) haven’t exactly knocked my socks off. But even my hook-ups with subpar sexual skills have given me wonderfully embarrassing and totally hilarious stories to share the next morning. And as any author will tell you, a good story needs a good setting.

If you’re looking to make the best memories that’ll make you cringe for years to come, here are the six places where you have to have sex before you graduate.


Your Freshman Twin Bed

If you haven’t had sex before college, there’s nothing quite like experiencing your first time on a somewhat unstable and small dorm bed. If you’ve done the deed before, then the knowledge that every person on your hall probably knows you took someone home really ups the thrill. Be sure to go at it as loud as possible at 1 a.m. on a Monday to mess with your neighbors’ sleep schedules. Don’t forget to leave your roommate with a babysitter and some snacks or they might fall asleep in a common area and wake up with a J.A.


A Dirty Frat Bedroom

Nothing says college quite like having sex in a frat. It will remind you to get STD tested and make sure all your shots are in order. It will remind you to pee after sex so you don’t get a UTI. Most importantly, it will remind you that it is important to learn someone’s name in between making out with them on the dance floor and heading up to their room. You definitely won’t want to ask at 5 a.m. the next morning when all you’re trying to do is leave before the good people of Cayuga Heights start walking their dogs. If you can’t make it to a frat, or boys aren’t your thing, your local sports house will suffice.


A Beautiful Natural Area

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Ithaca is gorges. Who wouldn’t want to make love next to a beautiful waterfall or in the middle of a botanic garden? While this one will seem fun at first, nothing quite ruins the mood like dirt getting everywhere, uneven ground or hard rock, and the fear of bugs crawling up your legs. (Sorry to kink shame, CALS students.) Just remember, the slope on Slope Day definitely doesn’t count.


The Stacks

Did you really think you could make it through this list without the stacks? If it’s number one on the list of 161 Things to Do at Cornell, you know you need to make it your number one priority. Try to go after 1:30 a.m. during non-prelim season to avoid the crowds. Bonus points for going before midnight during finals. Ladies, just make sure you wear a dress for easy access. Guys with performance anxiety probably want to skip this one.


Your First Date Night Event

Not to add another act of public indecency to the list, but this is an absolute must. Nothing says freshman spring like getting a little too sloppy with your date. Whether it’s in the bathroom of the bar your sorority rented out or the back of a wine tour bus, little will add more to your senior will than a hook up like one of these. These aren’t your high school dances and no one will come over to ask you to leave room for Jesus, but your Risk Manager is likely to send you home. It’s a small price to pay for slutty infamy.


Your First Place in Collegetown

It’s finally your junior year and you’ve just gotten your first taste of real adulthood : your first apartment. There’s no better way to christen your new home than having sex in every room. Do it on the couch, which has most likely already been stained by an incomprehensible amount of other bodily fluids. Or consider the kitchen table, where no one will ever actually eat. And obviously, you have to make it to the bedroom. The beds in Collegetown have a lot of character. They squeak, shake, and stab you in the back. But by the time you’ve made it to the end of this list, where else would you want to do it?


The Sex Enthusiast is a student at Cornell University. Trollop Tales appears monthly this semester.