Let’s face it, while winter break is our light at the end of the tunnel, around the eighth day most of us are five pounds heavier and absolutely bored with our nondescript home lives. Sometime during that second week of blissful boredom, you open the little, red-flamed app that you had promised not to rejoin. A few swipes later, you’re sitting in your couch wearing warm flannel pajamas for the second day in a row, stuffing your face with holiday cookies, feeling that red-hot holiday jingle in your pants.
And all of a sudden, you realize the holidays are actually stressful. At Cornell, you have the luxury of your own mattress and no parental supervision, so you never really have to sneak around (unless you’re into that, in which case, hell yeah), but at home privacy is a rare luxury. That being said, don’t let it stop you from unwrapping some packages and doing some adult sleigh-riding. Here are some jolly tips to be unabashedly naughty this holiday season.
Finding Santa’s Little Helper
Whether it’s your current S.O., an ex, a friend or a sexy stranger, you may want the help of someone for those not-so-silent nights. Once you secure a little helper, remember:
- Don’t assume what your partner wants or doesn’t want
- Be honest about your boundaries
- Holiday lingerie… because ‘tis the season!
- Holiday dirty talk is just as fun as it sounds
- Why limit it to one little helper? Spread the holiday cheer!
Light those Menorahs
Just because you’re bored doesn’t mean you have to be boring! Similar to a Christmas tree, holiday sex is special because instead of a plain pine tree, you get to decorate it with ostentatious ornaments of all shapes and sizes. To list some festive favorites:
- Gingerbread and candy cane flavored lube
- Nutty Vanilla scented candle— fun fact, vanilla is an aphrodisiac scent!
- Variety Christmas fun flavored condoms
- Adult toys — gift a vibrating gift that keeps on giving (big O’s)
- Watch holiday-themed porn together
- Try holiday-inspired sex positions (Urban Dictionary is a must!)
Baby It’s Cold Outside
You and your S.O. (or hot rando) are ready to go at it, but your houses aren’t safe for sex, or you want to spice up your venue, where to go? Keeping in mind that public sex can land you in jail and on the sex offenders’ list, here are some options other than your teenage bedroom to get it on:
- Sleigh Ride: Park somewhere secluded and have a quick escape route planned. I suggest turning the music up, as the vibrations of the speakers, heat inside of the car, and thrill of getting caught guarantee a steamy good time.
- The North Pole: If you want to modify and add an extra level of kinkiness, get naughty on the snow. Similar to the hot ice-cube scene on Fifty Shades of Grey, temperature play has some serious stimulating effects, so warm it up with some foreplay indoors and then get raunchy outside.
- Light it Up: Assuming you’re lucky enough to have a fireplace and an empty house, toss some blankets on the ground, and go at it by the fireplace. Although probably not scientifically correct, there’s something primal and fiery about doing it in a dark room by the red flames of a burning fire.
Obviously, this list isn’t comprehensive, so jingle some bells, lick some candy canes, spin some dreidels, squeeze many sugarplums and make Santa blush this holiday season!
Veuve Cliq-Hoe is a student at Cornell University. Sex on Thursdays appears alternate Thursdays this semester.