Welcome to Kappa Alpha Delta Theta Sigma Epsilon Phi! This is my home and I hope we have impressed you with our color-coordinated outfits and synchronized song.
Can I take your coat? It will give me a chance to check the label as well as determine your worth by the proportions of your body and value of your clothes.
So tell me about yourself! I’ll sit patiently and nod as you list off a bunch of facts I already know through extensive stalking and preparation for this conversation. I hope my energy and pep can mask the fact that I woke up at 5 am to put on more makeup than I will wear this entire semester.
You ran track in high school AND went to the same school as my best friend? It’s crazy how much we have in common. It’s almost as if I was specifically selected from this group of over 100 girls to best match your background and interests.
Tell me more about your trip to Aruba over winter break! I love the fact that your family can afford to go on exotic vacations. I think you’ll fit in super nicely here because your vacation photos will fit perfectly into our Instagram aesthetic.
Don’t mind me as I shift the conversation to one of many carefully-selected talking points. Let me explain to you the many perks of being in this house.
Joining this sorority was honestly the best decision of my life. I had no intention of rushing until all my friends signed up and I became overwhelmed with fear that they would all leave me for their sorority sisters — and they did! I’m so glad I had my sorority as a backup.
We’re different from other houses because we really do love each other. I can genuinely say that I know and love each and every one of the girls in this house except for the 80 girls I’ve never spoken to, the 20 living with me who are kind of weird and that bitch Jessica.
We are all deeply committed to our philanthropic endeavors. Each sister participates in no fewer than two philanthropy events each semester, and it’s certainly not because we need philanthropy points to go to formal. Our sorority will give you the platform to bring about real change, and I’m not just referring to the eight mandatory cover photo changes each semester. Through photo campaigns and volleyball games, we will combat world hunger.
You may have noticed that almost everyone here is white. Little did you know that we are the most diverse sorority on campus. I’m going to change the subject before you read too far into that.
We really support women here. We support women so much that we missed the Women’s March two years in a row to host our own little march on North Campus as 800 freshmen girls ran from house to house in heels and Canada Goose jackets.
I know we’re not supposed to talk about parties, but I can’t let you go without telling you about the social perks that our sorority will grant you. You will gain access to the wide selection of the three fraternities we primarily mix with and will feel uncomfortable crashing other mixers.
But don’t be silly, Greek life isn’t about parties or status or social capital; it’s about sisterhood! If you choose our house, you’ll become one with your sisters. You will eat together, sleep together and wear the same clothes. You’ll learn secret handshakes and confidential passcodes. You will be given a lineage and showered with gifts so as to prevent you from questioning these practices. You will be stripped of your individuality as our sorority becomes your primary identifier. You will lose all sense of self as you become one with our cult.
Oh, the Recruitment Chair is signaling that it’s time for you to go. Before you leave I just want to say, even though Greek Life is a fundamentally flawed institution, I had such a great time putting on this show for you and I sincerely hope you don’t cut us this round.
Follow me as I sing you out of the house.
Sarah Park is a sophomore in the School of Industrial and Labor Relations. She can be reached at email@example.com. S*Park Notes appears alternating Mondays this semester.