To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Chad, 22, and I am a student at Cornell University only two miles away. I’ve had the pleasure of looking through your photos and deeming you worthy of the highest honor, my personal seal of attractiveness, a right swipe, and I am interested in pursuing the position of Your Romantic Suitor.
My colorful personality, relevant experience, and chiseled physique make me an outstanding candidate to serve your needs. To help you get to know me better, I’ve provided you with a unique and varied canon of photos that display the many facets of my personality.
First and foremost, I am an artist. I am a master of the art of the shirtless bathroom mirror selfie. As you can see in this first photo, not only have I captured my primary personality trait — my love of lifting — but also the fruit of my labor: my six beautiful abdominal muscles. They symbolize my strength and masculinity. These abdominal muscles will keep you interested long after my personality has failed to do so. Whenever you consider ending things, these abdominal muscles will keep bringing you back.
As you may have suspected, my skills do not end there. I have many additional talents, including guitar. This picture of me playing guitar in my bedroom shall serve as evidence of my soft, musical side. Swipe right, and I shall pull out my dusty guitar from the back of the closet just for you. You can choose between my vast repertoire of three songs and I shall sing you to sleep with the melodious sound of my cracking voice over a strained attempt at Oasis’ “Wonderwall.”
Furthermore, I am a deeply committed individual. As you can see from the large group of men in this next photo, I am bound by the sacred bonds of fraternité. These are the boys I eat with, sleep with and will detail every part of our sexual encounter the day after. Through my beautiful bonds of boyhood, I can provide you with the social capital to do such things as get drunk at a party, get drunk at a winery, and get drunk at a Chinese buffet.
Behold the exquisite beauty of my professional headshot. This may be only suit I own; however, this headshot stands as a testament to my belief that one day, when I am a professional financier, I will have a lot of money. I will spend such monies on nice cars, dinners and gifts. Swipe right, for one day I may have just enough money to pay for your Uber home.
Just in case you’re still leaning left, I’d like to clarify that I am a highly-coveted individual. See me in formal attire with another woman in my arms? Yes, I am wanted by many women. She is most definitely not my sister. Feast your eyes upon the beauty of me with another women, for one day you might just have the honor of making it to my Tinder profile to make future women jealous.
I look forward to further discussing my qualifications with you. Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I’d like to leave you with the poetic simplicity of my bio: Endless opportunities await. All you have to do is swipe right.
Sarah Park is a sophomore in the School of Industrial and Labor Relations. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. S*Park Notes appears alternating Mondays this semester.