March 18, 2018

PARK | Former Trump Staffers: Where Are They Now?

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Ever wonder what happens to the discarded frogs from Trump’s drained swamp?

It seems that quite a few of President Trump’s cabinet members have fallen from his good graces. Perhaps he overstated his access to the best people, best managers and best dealmakers — or he hasn’t been able to shed his love for firing people. As an ILR student, I know that his hundreds of vacancies and record-setting turnover rates can indicate crippling inadequacies in the strategic management of his administration. But let’s not worry ourselves with such silly speculation. Instead, let’s take a closer look at the dear departed to see where they are now!

James Comey

In one of the most surreal events of 2017, the FBI director glanced at the television to watch the news of his firing break. He has since become a hardcore Hillary groupie.

Sean Spicer

Trump’s first White House press secretary was hired by MS-13 as an official spokesperson. He figured if he’s defending illegal actions, he might as well get paid like it.

Anthony Scaramucci

Just ten days into his tenure as White House communications director, the Mooch was fired over a verbal tirade against presidential staff members. After a year of growth, new ventures, and reconciliation with his wife, he landed a job as Kim Jung Un’s press secretary and hopes to last more than two weeks.

Stephen Bannon

After the fiery populist chief strategist and master manipulator was removed over clashes with staff members, he returned to his post at Breitbart. However, since his January removal from Breitbart, Bannon has been desperately trying to improve his popularity. He’s considering following in the footsteps of American hero, Kim Kardashian, and releasing his sex tape with his cousin to get back into the good grace of the deep south.

Tom Price

The former secretary of Health and Human Services was fired after failing to cut the ACA and spending $400,000 on chartered flights. Tragically, he died of the common cold after realizing that the government would have to pay for his healthcare. His tombstone reads “socialized medicine will kill us all”.

Omarosa Manigault Newman

The former Apprentice, Celebrity Apprentice, and All-Star Celebrity Apprentice contestant joined the 45th season of the White House as the communications director of the office of public liaisons and only African-American woman. She was evicted from the White House after 11 months, but not before bringing her 39-person bridal party to the White House for a photo shoot. She has since appeared in Celebrity Big Brother, where she placed 5th and is a top contender to be the 14th Bachelorette.

Dina Powell

The Bush administration alum served as the White House deputy national security adviser and was critical in drafting the National Security Strategy and working towards Israeli-Palestinian peace. Once she discovered the extent of the power-hungry money-grabbing self-serving male-dominated culture of White House politics, she retreated to the relative sanctity of her executive position at Goldman Sachs.

Kellyanne Conway

After stunning us all with her Olympic-level logical backflips, artful pivots, and breathtaking spins, Kellyanne has been noticeably missing from the public sphere. While she has not officially stepped down as counselor to the President, we suspect her role has been significantly downsized as it has been months since a new Kellyanne meme has surfaced. We fear that she’s fallen victim to the Second Coming of the Bowling Green Massacre. If anyone has any reports, please let us know. We miss you, Kel.

Carl Higbie

The chief of external affairs for corporation for national and community service resigned after reports surfaced of his offensive remarks about black people, Muslims, gays and veterans with PTSD. He has since joined the underground pledge class of Cornell University’s Psi Upsilon.

Brenda Fitzgerald

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention director resigned after reports surfaced that she purchased stock in Japan Tobacco despite the CDC’s goals to prevent smoking. She now sells Juul pods to teens.

Rob Porter

This Harvard-educated Rhodes scholar served as the White House staff secretary and resigned after not one, but two, of his former wives reported physical abuse. He has since become an amateur MMA fighter and is set to face off with former Trump speechwriter and fellow domestic abuser, David Sorensen. He also listens to a lot of Chris Brown.

Rex Tillerson

The former Secretary of State was fired last week via Twitter, which is the presidential-equivalent of ending a relationship by changing your status on Facebook. He’s decided to take a gap year to backpack through Europe and really just find himself. In the meantime, he’s been spending a lot of time at gas stations.

Gary Cohn

The former Trump aide and National Economic Council director decided to break the White House to Goldman Sachs pipeline, working for J.P. Morgan instead.

Ben Carson

The leading neurosurgeon returned to work at a pediatric hospital, forgetting he’s the secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

Hope Hicks

The 29-year old former model resigned the day after testifying that she had told “white lies” on behalf of Trump. She left her dead-end job as White House communications director to pursue other opportunities. She is updating her resume and has enlisted Victor Cheng to help her practice quantitatives for consulting recruiting season in the fall.

Rick Dearborn

Trump’s deputy chief of staff resigned from his post to save government funds after realizing there was no need for a deputy chief of staff in the wake of such a rapid declining number of staffers. He now serves as Barron Trump’s executive tutor.

Andrew McCabe

On Friday, the deputy director of the FBI was fired two days before he could retire. He’s decided to take this opportunity to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a rapper. He’s working with Comey on a fire Trump diss track which is set to drop any day now on Soundcloud.

For all these white men and stray women, while their time at the White House was cut short, they can leave with their heads held high, knowing that they contributed to the least popular presidential administration in the polling era. We will miss all these fine swamp animals dearly, but we’ll be sure to see them at the reunion, when they testify for Robert Muller!

Sarah Park is a sophomore in the School of Industrial and Labor Relations. She can be reached at [email protected]. S*Park Notes appears alternating Mondays this semester.