Fun fact: I did not orgasm during sex with a guy until a few months ago. Sure, any time I had sex with a women I would, but with a guy? Definitely not. Why did I have sex with all the people I did if it wasn’t working for me?
I had sex with regularity from the moment I got to Cornell, most of those experiences coming (or not) from three guys pre-orgasm. There’s Josh, a junior I met during the fall of my freshman year when I was relatively new to sex and who I slept with until the end of my sophomore year, when I was much less new to it. Next in line was Ron, a relatively immature guy who ran in the same friend group as me and who I slept with consistently throughout my sophomore year. Last was Alex, my summer fling that bled into the fall of my junior year.
Looking back, I shouldn’t be surprised Josh didn’t do it for me. Although he was very attractive, he had a number of emotional problems as well as a physical issue that made keeping it up very difficult. When I first told him that I had never come while having sex with him, as you always have to tell guys because they don’t seem to notice, he seemed slightly sad but mostly very surprised. I later learned from a mutual friend that his ex-girlfriend faked it quite regularly, so it isn’t surprising he assumed he was very good at sex. After learning he wasn’t that incredible, he immediately informed me that he would make it happen. Though I appreciated the sentiment, the way he said it made it sound like it was more for his ego than my pleasure. Had he done it though, I would not have noted the distinction, but alas he was unsuccessful. He quickly lost interest in the pursuit when it became apparent a quick, aggressive pet wouldn’t push me over the edge. A year later, thinking about sex with Josh, it’s so clear I should have stopped a long time before I did.
Ron was a big secret. The first time we hooked up was a drunken mistake, and we just kept doing it, because the other was always down. There was never any awkwardness over a 7:30 p.m. booty call on a Tuesday night. Too bad it always stressed me out that someone would find out. We were both in a rather tight-knit friend group and beyond the people I lived with, no one knew. We didn’t want people to judge it or try to give it more meaning to it than there was. He was nice but regularly tried to push my boundaries even when they were clearly stated. He also didn’t last all that long and that didn’t help. I was also nervous the whole time that I would put too much into it: too much emotion, too much interest. I had liked him for awhile my freshman year but quickly realized he wasn’t ready for a relationship and definitely didn’t have interest in me like that. When we started having sex regularly, and I was always walking the line, worried I would fall into something that would drag my emotions from my state of disinterest.
Alex was a good guy. He definitely gave it the best run out of anyone. He was relatively new to sex when we started hooking up and it was somewhat apparent. He learned quickly though and we got into a routine of sex that, while not orgasmic, was still pretty enjoyable. Alex and I met after things ended with both Josh and Ron, and I think a part of me was just looking to fill the space that their departures left in my life. Originally what I had with Alex was a somewhat basic sex-with-a-decent-friend relationship. We both started to develop more serious feelings and decided to give an actual relationship a try. Alex clearly cared about me. Unlike Josh, his interest in getting me off was earnest and well-meaning. Sadly, it just didn’t happen. I think my knowledge that I just couldn’t like him as much as he liked me, as much as he deserved, held me back.
So why did I keep sleeping with all these guys who weren’t doing it for me? Part of me hoped one of them would figure it out. Another part of me thought it didn’t matter who I slept with because it was my fault I couldn’t come. I think I also knew something that’s good to know, that even if you don’t finish, sex can still be fun and enjoyable and scratch an itch a lot of people at this school need scratched.
When I finally orgasmed, I almost cried. Partly because it felt really good. Partly because I had waited three years for that moment and it finally came.
The Uptight Tart is a student at Cornell University. Slutty Endeavors runs monthly.