Dear Mr. Kavanaugh,
Watching your confirmation process has caused me great distress. As the daughter of one father, it makes me sick to see a good, upstanding family man torn apart by baseless allegations. In hopes that it will help you navigate this crisis, I’ve formulated the following strategy for you and your team.
First: deny, deny, deny.
You’re doing a great job already, but you can’t let the pressure get to you. Never admit anything. In recent weeks, you’ve covered a lot of ground. “Did you ever sexually assault Dr. Ford?” No. “How about anyone in high school?” Nope. “How about after?” Nay.
In the Fox News interview, you went above and beyond. With respect to Dr. Ford’s allegation, you weren’t at the party in question – what party? You don’t even know this woman! Never heard of her. What’s her name again?
If it gets really bad, I’d suggest going further. One idea: claim that you were gay but conversion therapy worked — it could be a real hit with your Evangelical base! If all else fails, deny that you ever attended high school or college, change your name and sail away to Argentina on a small boat with only a sassy talking animal for companionship. Maybe then, they’ll believe you.
Second: question the logical inconsistencies in the allegations.
You did this for Deborah Ramirez, stating twice that if such an event had truly occurred, it would have been the “talk of campus.” Astute observation — drunken sexual harassment is not only widely frowned upon on college campuses, but is a novelty and would have been treated as such.
Perhaps it might be a good idea to frame your friendship with Mark Judge as an “opposites-attract” situation – him, the cool guy, and you, the nerdy best friend. After all, you have to somehow explain your friendship with a guy who wrote entire books about his underage drinking exploits and touted non-consensual encounters as “the awesome power, the wonderful beauty, of uncontrollable male passion.” Let’s say you were the Carlton to his Fresh Prince, the Ross to his Joey, the Janice to his Cady, or the Kevin Hart to literally any character who co-stars opposite Kevin Hart. Roll with it.
Oh, and the calendar was a nice touch. Logically, you can’t go anywhere unless you put it in your calendar. Liberals hate logic.
Third: defend your character.
Keep letting people know that you have always treated women with “dignity and respect”. You only said this seventeen times in your ten-minute interview — we need to up those numbers. Soon, the name “Kavanaugh” will be as synonymous with “dignity & respect” as our woman-loving Commander-in-Chief’s is.
We will have to defend against this Julie Swetnick allegation more vociferously than we have the others. Spur of the moment assault is one thing, but regularly facilitating gang-rape is another. Luckily, you made clear in that Fox News interview that you never had “anything close” to sexual intercourse until “many years after” college. After all, how could you possibly have been party to harming women if you were a virgin?
Fourth: get everyone you know to publicly defend your character. And I mean everyone.
You’ve already gotten 65 women from high school and 84 women from a previous job, but those are rookie stats. Deborah Ramirez has more than 2,200 Yale women and over 1,000 Yale men supporting her. Dr. Ford already has 600 alumni from her high school, 1,600 men in a full-page New York Times ad, and 56 people arrested on her behalf, for Christ’s sake.
The barber, the butcher, the baker — it doesn’t matter. If you’ve ever held the door open for a woman, email her. If you’ve ever deigned to hire a highly-qualified individual who happens to be a woman, call her. If it has a vagina, it needs to be on record touting your feminist credentials.
Fifth: instruct third parties to question the timing of the allegations.
Why now, when the confirmation process has already begun? (Remind them to use the September 4 date of Senator Feinstein’s revelation, rather than the July 30 postmark of Ford’s letter.)
Moreover, why didn’t the second and third accusers come out, as Ford did, when the nomination was announced? Deborah Ramirez lived a quiet, simple life in Colorado until she went to the media with her story. Was she nervous to be at the center of a national firestorm, or, more likely, was she debating the merits of taking a hefty bribe from the Democrats? Suspicious.
Julie Swetnick currently holds multiple federal government security clearances. Was she nervous to risk her career by defying the head of the federal government, or, more likely, is she a part of the Deep State’s conspiracy to take down our God-given president? We may never know the answers to these questions.
Sixth: if that doesn’t work, have your favorite talking heads question the allegations’ severity “if true.”
After all, who among us has not whipped their dick out and dangled our balls in front of a girl’s face for kicks? Who hasn’t spiced up the punch at a party for a bit of premeditated rape? Who among us hasn’t pinned a woman down to a bed, turned up the music and covered her mouth so no one could hear her scream?
Let’s be realistic.
Seventh, and finally: keep your head down, repeat your talking points, and focus on the end goal.
There’s a reason Senator Mitch McConnell assured us that “we’ll plow through this”. Sexual assault accusations are not stop signs. These allegations — and the women who make them — are merely obstacles on men’s journeys to greatness.
I’ll be praying for you during this trying time.
A Rape Survivor Who Did the Honorable Thing and Kept Her Mouth Shut
Jade Pinero is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. Jaded and Confused runs every other Thursday this semester. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org