October 17, 2018

SEX ON THURSDAY | Guarding the Female Seal of Approval

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I’m about one straight white man away from giving up on the male species all together. Now don’t get me wrong, I loveeeeee men, but I’m not sure how much more of this bullshit I can take.

In general, the average dude just simply cannot find my clit. The biggest sex trend these days is the two pump chump — the fuck, chuck and fall asleep.  I’m fed up with texts like, “I’m sorry I’ve been distant, I got this lamp and the directions were in Chinese so it took 7 hours to put together.” If one more man tries to explain Bitcoin to me, I’m gonna lose my shit. Chris Brown may have a dirty history of domestic violence, but “you have to separate the man from his art.”

Men are generally attracted to my high GPA and overall success, but if they think about my threatening lady power too much, they shake and shiver like a chihuahua. And now with entitled old men in suits especially pissing on my rights as a woman, I’ve never been closer to throwing in the towel and switching my Tinder preference to women.

Here’s the worst part: I’m partially guilty for all these problems. Each time I have sex with a man, I am giving him my Female Seal of Approval. You know what I mean. Men are like dogs; we must reinforce positive behavior with treats: sex. I am caught in a nasty habit of reinforcing all behavior with treats. You didn’t bother to text me all day and then expect sex? Hahahaha, okay here’s my vagina. You drink from disposable plastic water bottles that you throw directly into the ocean and kill whales? That goes against everything I believe in as a person. Hahahaha, okay, blowjob time.

No more.

Throughout history, sex strikes have been ridiculously effective in inciting political change. In 411 BCE, back when togas were business casual, there was an ancient Greek comedy called Lysistrata in which women fought to end the Peloponnesian War by revoking sex from their lovers and husbands. Sex was the only thing men truly and deeply desired.

In 2003, a badass named Leymah Gbowee led a sex strike that ended Liberia’s civil war. Not only did the sex-starved warlords eagerly agree to end the war, but Leymah was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for boldly withholding her Female Seal of Approval.

Is this what our society has come to? That we must deny sex in order to have our basic human needs met? Although it’s pathetic, it’s also revolutionary. If we refused sex until our lovers were fighting for the rights of vaginas, uteruses and general human well-being, there’d be an army of  hyper-woke citizens.

I’m starting to try it out in my own bedroom. A bomb was dropped on me just recently, “I’m not gonna vote this year because my district always goes one way and my voice really doesn’t matter.” Everything screeched to a halt. My world started to spin. I staggered, losing my balance. My stomach churned and bile rose to my mouth. WHAT? Another man unaware of his privilege? Noooooot in my bedroom!

Like us women are so often called to do, I rose to the occasion. I dangled my Female Seal of Approval in front of his horny little face, and smiled a fake-ass smile, “How about I keep my legs shut until you send in your ballot, punk-ass?” Then I saw his world spin. He staggered, losing his balance. His stomach churned, and bile rose to his mouth.

Checkmate.

That’s called big clit energy, bucko.

Goddess Horny is a student at Cornell University. Sex in the Stacks runs monthly this semester. Sex on Thursday appears every other Thursday.