April 10, 2019

SEX ON THURSDAY | Out With a Bang

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A couple of years ago, an intense and very witty friend on The Sun sent a message to one of my GroupMe chats asking if anyone wanted to write a Sex on Thursday piece. Coincidentally, I had just returned from a weekend of debauchery in NYC where I had enjoyed a threesome with my high school best friend and our club promoter. So as fate would have it, I began writing Fire & Ice and Cherries in the Snow.

Looking back at my previous pieces, I can’t help but feel like this is a bittersweet end of an era as I prepare to leave Cornell. After all, I arrived here having had my first kiss a month before O-Week, so this really was the home of my sexual awakening.

Freshman year, I downloaded Tinder for the first time, had the worst date of my life, and got my heart broken by a boy with a girlfriend. Splitting my time between sloppily making out at frat parties and reveling in naughty adventures in NYC, sophomore year whizzed by in a swirl of lust and heavenly cocktails. Junior year, I lost my virginity, discovered porn and fucked a guy on my five-person apartment kitchen counter. This year, I briefly enjoyed the magical perks of being a unicorn, flirted with public nudity and underwent a traumatic dry spell. Four years, countless sexual adventures. Now what?

As I depart the place that both nurtured and tortured me, I can’t help but wonder what the sexual milestones were that made my college experience so sexually transformative. After all, most people at Cornell have good, bad, awkward, funny, wild and sexy sex stories that they will cherish long after their four years in Ithaca. So here go my 20 sexy college things every sexually active Cornellian should prepare for during their four year feat:

  1. Download Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Grindr. Delete them on and off during your time at Cornell after disappointing encounters.
  2. Engage in excessive PDA at a frat party.
  3. Have sexy time in a twin XL.
  4. Netflix and chill.
  5. Have a one-night stand with a person you met at Level B and proceed to run into that person daily for the next four years at Cornell.
  6. Bang your TA.
  7. Do the walk of shame from Collegetown to North.
  8. Sexile your roommate.
  9. Visit the Adult Outlet in the Commons with friends.
  10. Have loud and rough sex on your communal kitchen counter.
  11. Booty call and get booty called.
  12. Sext during a boring lecture.
  13. Go on a date at Panda Tea Lounge.
  14. Forget the name of the person you just fucked minutes after sex.
  15. Get an STD test.
  16. Have a threesome.
  17. Stare at an Urban Outfitters tapestry while you cum.
  18. Dress in the sluttiest Halloween costume you can think of for four years. Playboy bunny anyone?
  19. Find a friend with benefits only to ruin it by catching feels.
  20. Have sex in the stacks.

While my sexual awakening at Cornell empowered and challenged me to grow physically, emotionally and spiritually, I’m excited to expand my sexual adventures beyond this bubble. More specifically, I look forward to better sex, sex with better food, blind dates, dates with people that hate dogs as much as I do, sex with a hipster in Brooklyn, no sex, embarrasing sex, sex abroad, joining the mile-high club, La Perla lingere sex, sex in the office, sex with someone I love . . . memorable sex-capades and never hooking up in a twin XL ever again.

As I embark on this sexy, new journey, I kiss Veuve Cliq-hoe goodbye and wish you all lustful adventures and formidable sex.

Veuve Cliq-Hoe is a student at Cornell University. Fire & Ice and Cherries in the Snow appears monthly this semester.