Oh, how the stars have aligned! Check out your sex-o-scope for the next month to ensure you’re prepared for whatever dirty delights are in your future!
- Aries (March 21 – April 19): The piercing on your foreskin will get snagged on the inside of your second-favorite inflatable sex doll and you’ll be forced to walk to Cornell Health with an Inflatable Judy Doll dangling from your flaccid micropenis. The nurse will look exactly like your mother.
- Taurus (April 20 – May 20): While singing “Your Body Is A Wonderland” in the back of a broken-down tour bus, a lustful John Mayer will give you mediocre, toothy head. You’ll then remember he’s 40 and balding.
- Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Driving home alone from Kuma Charmers on a Tuesday night, you’ll pick up a blonde bombshell hitchhiker who will convert you into a born-again Scientologist. You’ll fall madly in love, destined to an eternity of worship to the Supreme Being and Tom Cruise.
- Cancer (June 21 – July 22): At your first ever Frat Party™, while looking for the bathroom, you’ll walk in on your RA and your first campus love having sex on a mattress on the floor. You’ll politely tap Madam RA on the shoulder and say, “May I kindly have my jacket out from under you?”
- Leo (July 23 – August 22): In the next week, you’ll have a pregnancy scare, tearfully come to terms with parenthood in the childwear section of Target, have a Facebook-viral gender reveal party involving hot-air balloons and lose your best friends in a fight over who’ll be the kid’s godparents. Suddenly, you’ll remember that you’re a dude, and you can’t get pregnant. You’ll enroll in a sex-ed class.
- Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The mirror you hung on the ceiling above your bed will allow you to see a developing precancerous mole in your ass crack, which will allow you to schedule an early dermatologist appointment, saving your life. Unfortunately, the mirror will fall on you while having near-death-experience-survival celebratory sex, shattering, and you’ll have seven years of bad luck.
- Libra (September 23 – October 22): Congratulations! You’ve beaten Tinder! You’ve creamed every Twinkie within 50 miles of Jameson Hall. You’ve filled every jelly donut in the Finger Lakes region. You’ve spilled your sprinkles all across the Tri-State area. Your plaque will arrive at RPCC in 3-5 business days.
- Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): At Greenstar, you’ll meet a man in a Co-Op. He’ll invite you over to “recycle and chill.” You’ll barbeque vegan sausages on his hemp oven while filtering microplastics out of your laundry water. You’ll have sex. Months later, you’ll find out you have chlamydia.
- Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): In the next year, you’ll accidentally get married in Vegas to your Great Aunt Sally. Luckily the marriage will be annulled and you won’t have to explain to your cousins how she entranced you with her sultry gaze across the poker tables.
- Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Accidently sneezing, sharting and ejaculating all at once while going live on Instagram, you’ll become a famous influencer. Ellen Degeneres will have you on her show. Your Grandma loves Ellen.
- Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): While watching holiday-themed porn, you’ll accidentally develop a kink for Santa Claus. You’ll struggle to find love for the rest of your life. In fear of inconvenient arousal, you’ll avoid grandmas who make gingerbread cookies and malls around Christmas time.
- Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You’ll fall in love with an anonymous sex column writer for your campus newspaper. You’ll travel to the ends of the Earth attempting to determine her identity, only to stumble across her at your local Denny’s, and discover she is the dullest scumbag of a woman you’ve ever met.
Goddess Horny is a student at Cornell University. Sex in the Stacks runs monthly this semester. Sex on Thursday appears every other Thursday.