I’ll admit it: I was a prude in high school. Sophomore year, my friends and I created a convoluted set of rules for what we would do with a guy. First hookup: second base. Third hookup: hand stuff. Fifth hookup: oral on him. Oral on us would come way later. (Today, my rule is: If he doesn’t go down on you before you go down on him, dump his ass.) Sex would only come once we were dating.
Now, while there’s nothing wrong with taking it slow, this system meant that I never allowed myself to get very far with a guy. While I did have sex for the first time (with a guy I wasn’t dating! What a scandal!) my junior year, I hadn’t done all that much else by the time I came to college. And when I did get here, I didn’t want to take it slow anymore. By the end of freshman year, I’d banged someone from practically every building on North.
All of this is to say that I’m about to tell you my deepest, darkest secret: I don’t know how to give a handjob. And at this point, I’m too afraid to ask.
Luckily, at this point in my life, handjobs are rarely something I ever have to contemplate. A quick, subtle poll of my friends (accomplished largely by me going up to them and saying “Handjobs. Thoughts?”) revealed that most of them felt the same way: Handjobs were largely useless, with their biggest appeal coming as a means of giving yourself a break during a blowjob. After all, what’s the point if guys can just do that themselves? But as time has gone on, I’ve become almost self-conscious about this lack of knowledge. And so, in the interest of anyone else in this same predicament, I decided to wade into the treacherous waters of the internet to see what it could tell me about how to give a handjob. Dear reader, I did this for you.
- The first tip I found may seem obvious: Lube it up! The drier things are, the more friction there is, and the more uncomfortable things are for everyone involved. If you’re in a pinch, spit works fine, although it does dry out quickly. But if you want this to be a longer, more involved experience, get some quality water-based lube and go for it.
- The second tip I found may seem even more obvious than the first one: Ask him what he likes. No one knows a dick better than the person that it belongs to, so if you’re trying to give the best handjob of your life, you should ask the expert. When surveying my non-penis-having friends, this was the biggest downside to the handjob that came up — he knows what he’s doing better than you ever will. However, I also asked a few of my penis-having buddies, and they said that it’s still great when someone else jerks them off. They know what feels good to them, so you should ask!
- Again with the obvious tips — both people should be comfortable. You don’t want to get a good rhythm going and then suddenly have to stop because your arm is all twisted up and gets a cramp now, do you?
- On the topic of rhythm, the noted expert on all things sex-related that is Cosmopolitan Magazine says that you should change up your rhythm every so often. Sure, find one that works and roll with it, but don’t just do the same thing forever. In a similar vein, Cosmo also recommends not just jackhammer pumping his dick (which should hopefully be obvious), but instead using your wrist and playing with the rhythm that way.
- A handjob is called a handjob for a reason — you’re using your hands. So, think about how you’re using them! Switch between using just one or both hands, or mix it up with what part of your hand you’re using — just the fingertips, your flat palm or stroking him. Once again, Cosmo was there for me with a specific tip — start by trailing just your fingertips over him, or just lightly brushing him with a flat palm, then move on to a full stroke. Try using both hands and slowly going in opposite directions. Thanks, Cosmo!
- Think about where you’re paying attention to. The head of his dick has the most nerves, so focus there, but don’t neglect everywhere else — and don’t forget about his balls!
- Once you have some technique down, start thinking about the context. When asking my friends about handjobs, a few of them mentioned that they’re most fun as something to do when you’re watching a movie, or as something sneaky to do in public.
Whether you’re a hookup newbie or a pro, hopefully this article made you consider the art of the handjob for a second. All in all, the most common piece of advice that I saw when I was doing my research was to just do what feels good and have fun, which is honestly advice that we should apply to every aspect of our lives. Happy Handies!
Scarlet Letters is a student at Cornell University. Between the Sheets runs monthly this semester. Sex on Thursday appears every other Thursday.