It’s spooky season, and Halloweekend will soon be upon us. College girls everywhere have a lot to contend with in October, but at Cornell, where mid-Fall heralds the low 30s, All Hallows Eve becomes downright miserable. As a wise and benevolent junior, I thought I would share my knowledge with the legions.
You’ve tired out the regular options. All of your friends are going as risky business (I understand the premise of the costume, but “Risky Business” is the name of the movie so technically they should text the group chat that they’re going as Joel Goodzen. Not so hot now, is it?), and you’ve been a cat since your high school revelation that a cereal box and a knife just don’t cut it post-puberty.
It’s important to consider, as aforementioned, temperature. If you don’t dress carefully, you will end up being an icicle for Halloween. Or a frozen corpse. Neither of these are renowned for being particularly sexy. Instead, may I suggest … going to your local frat party as yourself in 80 years? I can confirm this works in any and all situations. Exhibit A, I actually wore the below number to a date night. The socks with sandals and my roommate’s cardigan kept me toasty throughout the night, priority number one when you have the immune system of a chimney sweep during the Industrial Revolution. Admittedly, my date did not ask me to another event, mumbling something about being at different points in our lives (apparently I was too mature for him?), but honestly, it was a small sacrifice to make in the face of the overall triumph of the costume. I was secure in the knowledge that while my friends were stuck tugging at the tube top and unwieldy wings that comprised their “Victoria’s Secret Angel” Halloween costume, I got the seniors’ discount at Sumo.
Now that I’ve established myself as an expert at Halloween, I thought I’d share, in relative confidence, my costume idea for the upcoming Halloweekend. It happens to be a two-person costume, so this is also an advertisement for literally anyone who would want to join me. It’s a full-body, two-peas-in-a-pod costume, I bought green face paint, and none of my friends are willing to be the second pea. Serious inquiries only. Again, this costume is full-body, so these peas will not be frozen when temperatures inevitably reach sub-30, and I can say with certainty that, despite initial qualms, it really is one of those elegant, time-defying pieces. It’s relatively form-fitting, apart from the large sphere that fits comfortably from neck to knee, and can only be described as effortlessly sexy. Furthermore, as one of two peas in a pod, you will be literally attached to me the entire night (otherwise we will be mistaken as the Earth in a millennia when algae establishes dominance, or the virus streptococcus pyogenes), and in all honesty, I can think of nothing more opportune than being attached by a cardboard vegetable rendering to a Halloween expert.
There will always be naysayers, unfortunately. When I told my 16-year-old sister of my plans, she went into mild hysterics and informed me that being her least favorite vegetable was a previously undreamt-of step down from pretending to have rheumatism on the one night I could be anything I wanted. It’s worth mentioning, however, that she is being Tony Stark for Halloween. Not Iron Man — Tony Stark. She is taping a big, blue circle to a t-shirt and wearing a faux beard, so frankly, her so-called expertise is questionable.
But, I digress. My point is this: be happy, be comfortable and if possible be warm. Take care of yourself. My sister is right; this is the one night a year you can be anything you want. And by all means, take this opportunity to be a sexy Disney princess, or a sexy toothbrush or a sexy lightbulb. Or two peas in a pod, or yourself in 80 years. Or a cat, or Joel Goodzen, or a cereal killer. The possibilities are endless, even though I personally believe some costumes are created more equal than others (again, I am searching for a medium-sized person to participate in a classy and joyous celebration of a vegetable with high fiber content). Ladies, happy haunting!
Pallavi Kenkare is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be reached at email@example.com. Jabberwocky runs every other Wednesday this semester.