Good butts are everywhere. It’s not our fault we have the wagon, especially at a school where most of the student population wheezes up hills all day. We walk into ASTRO 1102 and then our ass walks in an hour later and has to do an extra credit assignment to make up for tardiness. We try to yank up our fleece-lined jeans and the thiccness puts a hole in the seams. If we all have juicy booties, why is munching on them too often off the hook-up menu? The world is a booty buffet, and we must feast with enthusiastic consent.
When I say eating ass, I’m not talking about Okenshields — though, eating at Okenshields can be satisfying on the right day. Rimming should be Okenshields on a good day: Enjoyable for everyone. It’s the great equalizer; everyone has a butt. Since everyone has a bottom, everyone can also have pleasure centers in their anus and enjoy the stir fry.
If you are afraid of E. coli or any other unpleasantness from eating ass, Anya Neeze has a few tips for you. Consider including a shower in the foreplay. Do some role-playing with a wet wipe and really clean that crack. There’s also this wonderful thing you should use called a dental dam, a sheet of latex or polyurethane that can act as a barrier between the tongue and the anus. Like a condom, it comes in different colors and flavors. Now you can finally taste passionfruit with your face between the cheeks.
An enema is only necessary if it’ll make you or your partner feel better about face-to-badonkadonk contact. It’s also important if your partner has a vagina to not lick anus to coochie. If any trace of bacteria gets in there, it can mean a urinary tract infection. And a urinary tract infection means sitting on the toilet for five hours balancing your laptop on your knees while your roommate brings you buckets of cranberry juice. It’s not pretty.
As the one eating, give regularly scheduled foreplay and then prepare the ass with some caresses while whispering sweet nothings into the abyss within the crack. Shed your inhibitions. Work various tongue shapes. Try out circles, figure eights and tetrahedrons. Descend upon the anus without quite hitting it to peak excitement within your partner.
It’s difficult to reach the ass if you’re in the usual 69 formation. There’s the 69 of rimming, but it’s more like a 68 if you imagine each curve of the 8 as a butt cheek. The most accessible position for a fecal feast is to have the one receiving on all fours. Don’t think about The Human Centipede while you do this unless it turns you on. If it understandably doesn’t, try some fun positions like the wheelbarrow. You can both work off the booty brunch if one partner is doing a handstand while the ass eater holds their legs up and works their magic. If any arms get tired, it’s okay to use support. That’s what those excessively giant teddy bears on Valentine’s Day are for. If you see anyone getting one on the 14th, just know they should use it to prop up their handstand for optimum anilingus technique.
Excitement is important. We want the person in your bed to be begging you to eat their ass. Anilingus, like a ticket to see Cats on Broadway, isn’t right for someone who doesn’t want to have it from the deepest corner of their being. That doesn’t mean it has to be an acquired taste or that it can’t be tried just for fun. Even if you aren’t sure if it’ll be good, I encourage you to still accept a ticket to see Cats for the chance it might pleasure you in the slightest.
Remind yourself that sex is weird. We are literally tasting and entering other people’s bodies for fun and to create new people. There shouldn’t be a “normal” to the way we boink. Booty munching is just as bizarre as ramming a sausage attached to your body into someone else’s meat curtains. Therefore, eat ass and skate fast.
Anya Neeze is a student at Cornell University. Boink! runs monthly this semester. Sex on Thursday appears every other Thursday.