Photo caption: Loulou D’Aki / NYT Photos - Cornell scientists caring for their high maintenance research.

Photo caption: Loulou D’Aki / NYT Photos - Cornell scientists caring for their high maintenance research.

April 20, 2020

Getting High Before Class Not a Great Idea, Study Finds

Print More

A joint before class? Perhaps not today.

Twenty Cornell University researchers and a pound of marijuana recommended against smoking before classes, concluding that “it really harshed my mellow,” said Brad Phillips ’20, the study’s lead researcher.

Subjects reported cravings for mozzarella sticks, dry mouth and “contemplative thoughts,” but were not found to have higher academic performances than the control group.

“The professor definitely knows, dude,” whispered Kayla Berman ’21 to The Sun. “Why’d I do this?”

Berman scanned the room before slinking out of her lecture, accidentally making eye contact with a teaching assistant before absconding.

Controversy has marred an otherwise civil debate about the merits of smoking marijuana before going to class, with researchers disagreeing on whether to approve or denounce the devil’s lettuce.

“I wholeheartedly reject these results,” said Prof. Fred Green, botany, referring to the study. “I have results that say otherwise.”

Other students were quick to decry the study, claiming that it was biased.

“Look, this study is wrong. I know the results would have been different if they’d bought from me,” said Maxi Chaudhury, a “local businessman” loitering outside of the lab. “I got some good shit, straight out of Colorado, that would be a major source of error.”

Phillips sought to find common ground with his study’s detractors, conceding that there was nothing better than “a nice, fat joint at the end of the day.”

“Debate notwithstanding, this study has been a step forward in understanding what we should do and what we shouldn’t do with marijuana,” Phillips said. “Now, where were those thin mints?”

This piece is part of The Sun’s April 20 joke issue series. For more, visit https://cornellsun.com/category/four-twenty/.