Late Sunday evening, The Sun received a call from an eerily familiar voice. The caller claimed he suffered from extreme nausea, and that even while under quarantine, he could not escape the trauma he had endured for years. The caller was Happy Dave.
“I hate pop,” Happy Dave told The Sun.
Since its inception, Okenshields, one of the only Central campus dining halls that accepts meal swipes, had been characterized by bad food, mints, a collection of 2000s pop songs on repeat and Happy Dave. Now, it seems only three of these classics can remain.
“I am on the verge of quitting,” Happy Dave said. “If I hear the Chainsmokers or Ed Sheeran one more time, I don’t even know what I’ll do.”
Having shut down Okenshields to comply with COVID-19 guidelines, Happy Dave has decided to use his time off to come clean to his audience. A Spotify playlist with his picture and titled “Okenshields,” amassed 862 followers, but he informed The Sun that he “was sick of the lies.”
“So what if I only listen to Latin trap?” Happy Dave said. “I can’t help it, I love Bad Bunny.”
Almost every major pop name in the music industry said they needed time to heal from Happy Dave’s confession. Ginger sensation Ed Sheeran announced that he will go on a hiatus.
“I don’t understand why he hates me,” Sheeran told The Sun. “The fans are devastated, mate. Everything I put out has been for my little chickpea,” he said, referring to Happy Dave.
When asked why he had kept his disgust under wraps for so long, Happy Dave ignored the question.
“I’m eating jelly right now,” he said.
This piece is part of The Sun’s April 20 joke issue series. For more, visit https://cornellsun.com/category/four-twenty/.