To everyone spending quarantine with their significant other … fuck you. I’m sending my hate. I miss the nighttime. I dream about the alcohol burning my throat and the music blaring so loud that it rattles my body with vibrations so that suddenly I am the music. My memories of late-night smoke sessions and drunkenly stumbling across campus persistently tease me. My sexual energy is through the roof with no outlet. Being horny and quarantining with family doesn’t pair naturally, and if you want to sexually survive this ordeal … follow along.
Masturbation is your key to success. But not all jerk-off sessions are equal. A few things to keep in mind so your sessions don’t become too mundane:
- Foreplay First: Your body needs time to boot up. Going from eating dinner with your family to fingering yourself isn’t ideal. Smooth transitioning is a must. Running your hand across your cheek, tightly gripping your inner thigh, making out with your pillow. Foreplay stirs up anticipation which can turn an ordinary orgasm into an out-of-body experience. And if you really want to challenge yourself … try watching a twenty-minute hard-core porno without even touching yourself. That’ll do the trick.
- Get Sexy: Choose a night. But this time, before you jack-off, grab your white lacey thong that’s been collecting dust for three weeks and slip into it. Take your shortest crop top that you last wore at Agava, your sexiest bra that hasn’t been seen by your fuck buddy in months and smear on some lipgloss. Then take a look in the mirror. Put in your earbuds, blast Megan Thee Stallion and dance. Be sexy, feel free.
- Alternatives to Pornhub: Although XXX videos are typically the go-to when it comes to solo masturbation, watching the same porn can get old. It’s important to have other options available if your visual aids fall flat.
- Erotic Fiction: The online erotic novel community is thriving with thousands of e-books complete with cheesy covers of a woman’s body leaning against a man’s chest with her arms wrapped around his neck. But these stories aren’t your average girl’s sleepover turned into lesbian orgy nor is it the pizza-delivery man who wants a bigger tip than cash can provide. You’ll find context and compelling background to set the stage. One of my favorites? A virgin stripper who only dances to make a living. A wealthy man who hurts to see her being lusted after by other men. The sexual tension between them is undeniable.
- Write: Writing your own short story “sex-capade” is so liberating. You are able to control your scenario, create your characters and bring anything you want to life. It’s especially helpful for those with uncommon sex fetishes. Not enough representation of men licking their partner’s feet in elevators? No problem. With writing, you have the power to set your scene.
- Earbuds In: When it comes to listening to porn, erotic novels and podcasts are quite common, but you can also have a type of erotic audio-interactive experience. Try a site like Literotica … it has reading and listening materials for novels. But if you do a deep dive into the website, there are also audio tapes posted by users imitating sex and saying things like “You like that?… Tell me you like that… .” The momentary silence that then follows indicates for you, yourself, to verbally respond. Put your earbuds in and make love to a voice.
- Arouse your imagination: No earbuds. No reading or watching — just dream. File through your memories and playback that threesome you had a couple of months ago. Or dive into that moment last semester where you smoked with your attractive friend but never kissed her. Now, imagine if you had
- Take a Break: Returning to masturbation after a break creates anticipation and lust that lingers in such a way that makes your next orgasm stronger. So, when all else fails and your jack-off sessions begin to end in a feeling of emptiness or lack of satisfaction — you should take a break. Five, maybe seven days of rest. On your return, those feelings hopefully will have passed and in their place … a smile and a snack craving.
Quarantine obviously doesn’t go hand-in-hand with a thriving sex life, but trust that the nighttime will come again. You’ll make up for all the Friday nights that could have been. And the balance between work and play will soon be restored.
Helpless Lover Girl is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. Dopamine Overdose runs monthly this semester. Sex on Thursday appears alternate Thursdays.
A previous version of this article contained an out of order sequence for the above list. It has since been corrected.