October 2, 2020

STELLA | The Battle of the Colleges

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As we all know, campus is a bit quiet. No concerts, no sporting events (not that we went to those anyways), no sorority backpacks congregating at Zeus. This is the semester of tumbleweeds through campus and Zoom auditions for your acapella groups. One symptom of the societal hiatus Coronavirus has caused that you probably haven’t considered is the lack of content we columnists are left with. I’ve got option A in writing about the daily frisbee throwers on the Arts quad, and option B in presenting you with the news that Terrace now has three orange chicken days in the week.

Instead, let’s enter the hypothetical. Almost every Cornellian is devoutly proud of the college their major resides in. You can get an ILRie to go on about politics or unions for hours. In the spirit of the apocalypse, I have decided to pit Cornell college versus Cornell college. A Hunger Games style fight to the death between AEM majors and Classics studiers. Who would win?

The engineers amongst us would be an early favorite. Their ability to develop, design, build and engineer in every sense of the word would help them to construct makeshift weaponry or survival systems like aqueducts. If the Romans could do it, the Cornellians that live in Duffield can do it. Hell, engineers built the laptop I’m writing this on, I would transfer to be on their team if I didn’t struggle to pass intro to python Freshman year. I was fueled by subpar chicken bacon ranches from Goldie’s until 3 in the morning. That being said, engineering doesn’t make it to the finish line.

It’s clear that an alliance would form between Dyson and Hotel. The curriculum has some overlaps, the career paths tend to be similar, these shared philosophical ideals warrant coalition. Though philosophical might be a stretch. This is a faction of planners. Juniors have had their internships since July, Seniors know exactly where they’ll be in ten years, back at Cornell conducting on campus recruiting for Blackrock now that they’re an asset manager with dental. But in the spirit of planning, conning their way through Cornell with minimal work and high rewards, this mutual cooperation would dissolve quicker than the League of Nations. Dyson advances in the gladiatorial hypothetical by eventually and predictably betraying their cousins in the Hotel school. It doesn’t matter, though, engineering would outlast both.

Human Ecology (yeah, I forgot about that one too) might get further than you’d expect. They study how humans develop. They’d know our next move before we do. They can tell you what you were like as a child after speaking to you for ten minutes. They know you were the one to steal Trisha’s cheetos in the first grade even though Emmett was blamed and you let him take the fall. They know that you used to eat the oats first in your Lucky Charms because you were saving the marshmallows for last. Our future psychiatrists and children’s teachers will therefore hold my number two slot. There will be those who disagree, but you’re probably not in HumEc.

ILR would be the first to go. Most of my friends are in ILR. One of them will be the president of the United States one day. Still, ILR would be the first to go. Too many differing opinions about how to run the most efficient system in the attempt to survive, they’d crumble internally. One group would run a socialist-esque government based off of the Messiah, Bernie. Another would implement an economic system and run Reagan’s trickle down method. Forget the two party system, if given the chance, ILR would run with 12. And nobody would settle to be the Biden to someone else’s Obama.

Art, Architecture and Planning. The one that got away. I have a shirt with a design from one, another is designing my next tattoo. Meet more of these kids. However, despite their innate creativity and obvious knack for body painting to camouflage with their surroundings, AAP is not my victor.

That leaves us with Arts and CALS. The two schools that probably have the widest breath of majors. Arts, in particular, sports everything from Bio to English. Romanticism doesn’t win you the Hunger Games, and despite their fair share of engineers and pre-meds, the practicality doesn’t outshine the other colleges. Arts would be too distracted with the large question of life, the stories that have not yet been told, and courting potential mates in foreign languages.

The perhaps controversial winner of it all would be CALS. Just say the acronym out and you’ll see why. They know how to food. From the efficiency of composting their soil, to the process of developing Rosé Svedka. Their sustainability would help them outlast the rest of us as we go at each other’s throats. While Dyson resorts to cannibalism, and Arts starves in the winter, when all of their vegan diets are ruined with the death of flora, the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences will be going strong with their corn crops. No potato famine for IARD and food science majors. Half of you had probably never been to a farm before coming to Ithaca. A third of you probably still haven’t. So chalk one up for cowboy boots and straw hats, too bad they’ve learned to love the smell of cow excrement, though.

Despite what many might think after reading this, I, indeed, am not in the ag schoolI’m ILR. Just kidding, law school’s overrated.


AJ Stella is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at [email protected]. Stellin’ It Like It Is runs alternate Fridays this semester.