Through the years, I’ve been wearing articles of clothing donated by students and faculty. Albeit generous, I feel as though I’m lacking something of greater value. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful to wear your soiled, century-old mittens. The crisp Autumn months call for a carefully knitted scarf to be placed upon me. Oxidative degradation plagues me, especially during the harsh winter season, so why hasn’t anybody thought about bringing me in to speak on our 2035 carbon reduction initiative? Everyone fills their freshman year Instagram reels with yours truly, but what real recognition do I garner? I’m the unofficial mascot for our beloved institution, yet I’ve yet to be invited to Schoellkopf Field for a football game. Inanimate objects are subjected to the notion that possessing feelings is impossible, yet here I am — sad and alone. The border collie across the street indulges in rubs and aws, but I am never acknowledged for my charm. Surely, I can comprehend that my inability to converse may not be ideal, but all I truly want is to ask two simple questions: Who named me Touchdown and why have I been cub-sized for decades?
?? the Bear
This piece is part of The Sun’s April 20 joke issue series. For more, visit https://cornellsun.com/category/four-twenty/twentyone/.