I’m sorry, but it needs to be said. I’ve seen so many of you have sex, and your form is atrocious. I’m a voyeur, so I should be into this shit. But Cornellians are literally so bad at sex that not even this shit gets me going. Stop studying for goddamn oceanography or whatever shit you do and go watch some instructional videos. You may have that Goldman Sachs internship, but I’m tired of seeing your sack sadly swaying for thirty seconds until you both fake orgasms. Do me a favor and stop screwing in the stacks until you get better.
The Stacks can be reached in Olin Library. Please come pick up a how-to-sex manual or something. You need it — desperately.
This piece is part of The Sun’s April 20 joke issue series. For more, visit https://cornellsun.com/category/four-twenty/twentyone/.