While celebrating 4/20 this year, you will inevitably get mad hungry, and, because it is a special occasion, it would only be suitable for you to enjoy a meal capable of satisfying even the most ferocious of munchies. However, some things must be taken into account before undertaking the preparation of such a meal, such as how you’re to go about doing so while in a state of blaze.
Cooking can be dangerous, especially when cognitively impaired, and so what meal you choose to prepare will greatly determine any potential risks. If you are particularly accident prone, such as I am, mindfulness will be key. So here are a few suggestions I would make to any of my friends hoping to blow the minds of their 4/20 dinner guests.
First, you’re going to want to anticipate the cravings and mouthfeel. For example, if you and your friends’ mouths will be dust bowls, anticipate and avoid preparing a meal that is lacking any substantial amount of sauce. Depending on your tastes, there are a myriad of possibilities: Spicy soups, sour soups, savory cold noodle bowls dripping in spicy peanut sauce, curries of any and all kinds, mac and cheese are all superb options, but some are better than others.
Saucy and spicy foods are getting two birds stoned at once. Not only will your cotton mouth be cured from how much you’ll be salivating, but you will begin to experience one of the finest sensations known to humankind. The heat that normally punches you in the face and slaps you around like the little bitch you are will transform into a tender touch of warmth that grows out of the backs of your cheeks and fills your whole head with hot air.
Next, you’re going to want to anticipate your ability to read and generally interpret time in a meaningful way — that means nothing too complicated. Don’t even think about trying to deep fat fry anything, your boil-less skin will thank me. This also means making use of your phone’s voice commands to set timers, and always, always set the timer two to three minutes before you should actually go and check on something: Spontaneous detours are to be expected. If you or any of your friends get anxious while cyphing, I recommend sipping on some wine to mellow out.
Finally, try to prepare as much of what you need before sparking. Chop what needs to be chopped, boil noodles, measure ingredients, if you really need to fry something, just don’t, it’ll be cold, soggy and ass by the time you sit down to eat. This will help prevent any fingers from slipping into the chili, and any bones from being defleshed by boiling liquids. Mise-en-place is what we’re going for people — keep it tidy.
Keeping it tidy applies as much after cooking as it does during prep. Don’t fulfill your parents worst nightmare by being a sloppy stoner. You will have more self-respect, and respect from your roommates and guests if you clean as you go and put the dishes in the washer after dinner.
Now you’re all set with the safest ways to chef stoned. I wish you all a happy high day, enjoy the munchies and please, take some tokes for me now that herb has been legalized in the great state of New York.
This piece is part of The Sun’s April 20 joke issue series. For more, visit https://cornellsun.com/category/four-twenty/twentyone/.