September 29, 2021

SEX ON THURSDAY | Ear-rogenous Zones

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The human G-spot is not always in the genitals. Sometimes it is deep inside the ear. The first time someone pushed that button for me, my itch was scratched like petting a dog just right until it starts playing the air guitar with its back leg. Back on the grade school playground, a tongue in the ear was a “wet willie,” used to belittle and bully the nerds. Now it was a sensorial garden of earthly delight, even though at first I was thinking, Why is your tongue in my ear? But by the next moment, I answered my own question when my eyes rolled back and the hairs on my legs stood to electric attention. 

I was still concerned, however, that in this excursion into my earhole his tongue would come across a formidable foe: a clump of earwax. My worst nightmare was him recoiling in disgust when he found that gooey pot of gold. I imagined a glob of it rolling down the caverns of my auditory labyrinth like the boulder in Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark, his tongue retreating as fast as it could from the hardened yellow snowball. I, like most people, have nonexistent ear hygiene. Before anal, you can douche, but who thinks to break out the Q-tips before a makeout session? The silicone tips of my earbuds are often coated with a thin layer of cerumen (I learned recently that this is the technical term for earwax), so I could only imagine what someone’s tongue would look like after playing its music in my ear. For this reason, I was more at peace with the idea of someone’s mouth in my birth canal than in my ear canal. The sudden taste of earwax is sour, biting, unpleasant; whereas the vag only hides a little discharge as a surprise treat. 

Despite the precarious wax situation, the risk was well worth the reward. I couldn’t get enough wet willies. I would often sneak my tongue up into someone’s ear in the bedroom to show them how good it was. This takes a lot of reading body language to make sure they aren’t weirded out or worried (like I was at first) that their partner would taste their earwax. The thing is, we are often more concerned about what other people will taste of our bodily functions than we are of tasting theirs. Earwax isn’t my favorite taste, but it is a worthy sacrifice for feeling someone writhe beneath me, flicking their eardrum like a clitoris, licking their earlobe like a labia. Quite frankly, the ear is the pussy of the head. 

There is one main thing that makes eating out the ear almost as good as cunnilingus — the auditory experience. Listening to every vibration of your partner’s labored sighs inside your eardrum is flaming hot. I wish my coochie was a third ear so I could fully hear every slurp and squelch of whatever was inside it like a big spoon stirring a hot fresh pot of mac and cheese. 

The best sex engages all of the senses: the smell of cologne, the sight of tits, the touch of a tongue, the sound of its saliva, the taste of earwax. Even the strangest sensations are part of the overall adventure. Just like how you can’t tickle yourself, you can’t lick your own ear, so experience its wonders with a partner. Build their trust and maybe let out a few laughs if they find it weird or encounter a little earwax. You only truly explore someone’s body when you’ve tracked down their hidden and unexpected ear-rogenous zones and had fun while you were at it. 

Anya Neeze is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. Boink! runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.