You know what I miss most about elementary school? The Scholastic Book Fair. Walking down to the school library with my 20 bucks in hand, I was pumped. Most kids were ready to blow it on over priced bookmarks and chocolate-smelling calculators but I, and I imagine a lot of us future Cornellians, were hyped for the books. Rows and rows of old classics and new treasures to be found.
A Scholastic Book Fair was where I first discovered the Magic Tree House book series, where I read about the many adventures of Jack and Annie as they traveled through time and space. In some of my favorite books of the series, they were cowboys, astronauts, olympians and even vikings. Flash forward 10-15 years, are we at all surprised that one of my favorite kinks is role play? A sexy doctor doing a physical on their patient, only to discover a boner under their medical gown of which they have to treat. I’m guessing there has to be some connection between the book fair and my love for role play. This makes me think, what other classic childhood book series is a pipeline to a wide array of kinks? Here is my take.
I don’t think it would be fair of me to do these hot takes if I didn’t start with Harry Potter. All those little wizards and warlocks, running around with their wands and gowns or whatever they’re called, I never read it. What I do know though is that those wands look as if they are practically asking you to use them deviously. They gradually get girthier down to the base, perfect for slowly but steadily working it inside. I feel like all those kids who were obsessed with Harry Potter and dressed up as the characters one too many times for Halloween now take a special liking to toys. There has to be Harry Potter wand dildos being sold on some weird Etsy account. Support small businesses I guess.
This next one, people will try to save it by saying “concentrate on the plot, not that they’re cats.” I’m sorry hun, but when it’s called Warrior Cats, it’s pretty hard. I feel like y’all can tell where this one is going but I’m gonna guess that some of you former readers have a tail in your closet. Whether you’re a furry or into puppy play, you sure do like to channel your animal instincts in bed. Actually scratch that, your bed is probably not your primary location for your fun. You’d rather feel like you are in the New Forest, fucking on the side of a hiking trail, with your foxtail buttplug in.
Moving on from those special creatures, we now discuss a book series which attracted just as many weird people, if not more. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, a collection of, you guessed it, stories that were particularly horror filled for those at an elementary age. I can remember the kids that thrived off of these books, loving every gory detail and concerning plot line. I’m afraid this interest in gore has followed you into your adulthood. I think Armie Hammer and those that were obsessed with such have some cannibalistic characteristics in common. You get turned on by the image of drinking your lover’s blood and maybe even taking a nibble out of their arm. If you know your potential hookup had a fixation on Scary Stories, I would advise you check their bag for a knife so you don’t end up with one less arm.
Rainbow Magic: crack. Makes sense, right? Something about those sparkly iridescent covers of fairies just screams future drug user. In the gay community, the phenomemon of doing party drugs and fucking is refered to Party and Play, PNP if you’re cool. I’m sure there is also a rampant community of straight people into such but you’d be surprised how many twinkts you find high off of their asses on crack. Knockoff Tinker Bell really was out here canceling out whatever good the Drug Abuse Resistance Education (DARE) program did.
Captain Underpants, the book series that constantly leaves any sane person wondering why it exists. Of course, with its graphic novel arrangement and more than occasional potty humor, it was a pretty successful series, especially for smelly third grade boys. These smelly third graders have not progressed much in the world of hygiene, maturing into foul-smelling high schoolers and now, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were into diapers. I will fully admit to kink shaming any body odor prone brute who just couldn’t get enough of wearing diapers when they were toddlers. How about you be a true captain and maybe move up the ranks, at least in maturity.
Anyways, I’m sorry for ruining your childhood.
xoxo — a growing boy
A Growing Boy is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. Bottom’s Up runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.