November 11, 2021

SEX ON THURSDAY | Condomplation

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Before encounters with a penis, many of us go through a Shakespearen soliloquy: To wrap or not to wrap? That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to rubber the schlongs and dongs of outrageous proportion, or to take arms against a sea of STDs and impregnation, and by opposing end to them. 

My underfunded public high school never taught me how to use a condom, but I managed to figure it out. My partners and I would have to stop whatever foreplay we were engaging in to rip open the wrapper and slide it over the hard banana. For a while, wearing a condom was the default operation, and I’m glad it was. If I didn’t have a box of Trojans on hand, I just wouldn’t have penetrative sex and the other person would have to support that. Seeing if they would comply with my required condom use was a test into their character, especially since I had intense anxiety about accidental pregnancy. 

But one day I saw a reddit post that asked, “What does it feel like to get nutted in?” And I realized I had never been blessed with such an experience. Did it feel like a glitter bath bomb thrown in the genital jacuzzi? A gooey splooge torpedo with sights on a uterine battleship? I just had to know. But not using a condom had to be my decision, not a drunken afterthought. So I started pounding birth control pills and tagged along with my partner for an STI screening. When everything looked good, I could finally rest easy about getting the full meat injection. 

Not having a dam separate me from the cum geyser felt more lubricated and warm, but I wouldn’t say it was worth risking an infection or a baby for. There was pulsing in my body’s depths with some dripping down my leg when I stood up, but I wasn’t blasted to the moon with absolute sticky pleasure. But on an intimacy level, there’s nothing like being okay with someone’s juice swimming around inside you on a pointless quest to fertilize an egg. 

Some people say they can’t feel anything with a condom on, and I call bullshit on that. That’s like saying a doctor can’t feel anything while wearing latex gloves. In that world, we would end up with a lot of failed heart transplants. If condoms really dampen your style, buy thinner ones or put lube inside them, especially if your partner prefers the rubber safety net. If you can’t respect their wishes, you shouldn’t be exchanging fluids. 

Perhaps we question condoms because they aren’t represented in porn. Pornhub is raw-doggin it, so why shouldn’t we? There is a belief that representing condoms in adult media destroys its fantasy, but the reality is that porn sets are one of the least likely places to catch an STI because the performers are constantly screened. They also use PrEP to prevent HIV and have vaccinations against HPV. Their videos might look like they take risqué risks, but adult performers are part of an industry with rules and regulations toward sexual health. Pornstars are not the general population. 

So when you are sitting on the edge of the bed with someone in condomplation, weigh the risks and benefits of unwrapped tapping. I know that blood can either go to the brain or to the penis, but use whatever blood is left to decide on something that makes everyone involved feel protected but also filled to the brim with daddy’s cummies. 

Anya Neeze is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. Boink! runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.